Positive and Negative

I've always tried to keep my blog a positive place. Something that I can look back on, that my kids and family members can look back on. This hasn't always been easy. I've blogged a whole lot less this year. Partially because I don't have as much time as I used to, and partially because a lot of the time I feel like I have nothing positive to say. Sometimes, I come on here and write an entire blog and then just delete the thing(In fact, I'm thinking of doing that now).

This year has been really hard on me.

I've been really sick for months, every time I think I'm getting better- I get sick again. It's exhausting. I'm tired constantly. It would be nice to just stay healthy for a few weeks. I hope to God that I am finally better by Christmas. It's be nice to enjoy my favorite holiday with my babies (:

Shaun and I haven't been doing so good this year either. We broke up.. A LOT. Things are starting to settle down again though. We didn't talk for about a month in October. I had to delete him off my facebook page for being so rude-I still refuse to add him back on. I don't really let him around the kids very often- maybe a couple times a month. He spent Thanksgiving with me and my family though, and it was really nice.

Jay and I were getting along for months, but we're fighting again so we're going back to our court-appointed custody schedule. I've already applied for legal aid.

I often think about going back- to before kids. Sometimes, I wish I could go back. It's not because I don't love my kids. I love them very much, and they are my life. I guess I just feel like they deserve better than me.


blah blah blah blah blah...

I've been questioning a lot in my life, I've been incredibly sick and tired but there has been good too.

Like even though I've been this sick, I've gotten so many extra cuddles from my kiddos. They're usually too busy playing to care about little ole' me.

Even though things have been really rocky with Shaun, I know I really love him & he really loves me. It was nice spending Thanksgiving together for the very first time. 

Even though Jay and I have been fighting, it will be settled soon enough, and that's pretty comforting.


And even though I often wonder what it would be like to of waited to have kids. I wonder if I could be doing a better job, if they could of had a better mom- I KNOW in my heart that they love me, and they will love me no matter what. I'm doing a good job. I'm doing a damn good job even though I had them so young. More importantly, I couldn't of asked for better kids. 

In the end, you have to take the good times with the bad times. The positive and the negative. I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.