You Are My I Love You

Discovery Museum

2012-01-28T16:40:00.001-07:00

rofl, they're totally making the same face:P

Went earlier in the week without Noah, so we decided to go again :) It was a blast, as always! Too bad they didn't have something this adorable when I was a kid. I would of loved this. I wish I could of taken more pictures but I need a new camera! The one I currently have works alright but it has a.. fuzzy spot? IDK if you guys can see it, but I can!

We're moving! :)

2012-01-23T17:00:00.080-07:00

I'm equal amounts terrified and excited to embark on our next journey!

We are moving back to Texas, finally!

We've been in Utah for a little over 4 years and as hard as we try, we just hate it here. We hate the cold, the lack of diversity here, that almost everything is closed on Sunday, etc. Despite not being born in TX, I lived there most of my life, so Texas just feels like home to me and my family. We can't wait to go back!

We started talking about MAYBE moving around the end of December. Another Christmas without my amazing Aunt Lori. We had a great Christmas, we really did, but the holidays just aren't the same without her craziness! We weren't sure how anything would work out but we figured we would give it a shot! So, my mom applied for a job working for the same company as my aunt. They took a few weeks to get back with her but they finally contacted her and offered her the job! Great, she got the job! Buttttt...We still had to work out a few kinks, the obvious financial issue(It's going to cost around $3500 to move) quitting and transferring jobs, saying goodbye to Shaun, and the biggest issue, custody arrangements of Noah.

Well, conveniently, tax returns are set to come in about a week before we move. I should be getting around 7k back, so I agreed to pay half of the trip(Since I am half of the family and all :D) and let my mom borrow the other half. This was by far the easiest thing to do!

Next, we had to quit our jobs. Easier said than done! My sister transferred, and my mom wasn't really happy where she was working anyways. I've been watching Cheyanne since she was like just a few months old. I've watched her grow into a toddler, who is almost 3! Not to mention, her mom is pregnant again and I was SO looking forward to having a newborn around to snuggle with! I've watched Cade about 7 months, and I adore him, of course, I'm just not nearly as attached to him as I am Chey! I almost burst into tears when I was telling her mama. I'm going to be so sad to not watch her anymore. The kids will miss them too!

Telling Shaun has been heartbreaking, to say the least. Every. Single. Day. he BEGS me to stay. He cries every time I see him too. He offered to buy me a house and pay all my bills. Seems nice in theory, but I won't put my kids in that kind of situation. I love Shaun so damn much, I'd probably never leave him if I stayed- Which is an even bigger reason to leave. Shaun has so many problems, I know I'd never come first in his life. And, as much as I love him, I know I deserve better. My kids deserve better too. If you love me, then you'll let me go. Right?! hah.

The part I worried about most, ended up being the easiest. Imagine that! Legally, I have to give Jay 30 days notice before I move. However, I knew as soon as I gave him notice he'd file immediately to stop me from moving. So I mentioned it to him at the beginning of January just to gather his thoughts, and filed for legal aid as a back up. Here's the shocker... he totally supported the move! He actually said he was hoping I'd move out of UT cos' he hates it here. My jaw dropped, who was I talking to and where he heck did Jay go!? He set up an appointment with his lawyer to change the custody agreement. I was convinced he was just gonna try and pull a fast one on me, but he didn't. We agreed that Jay would have him the entire summer break, splitting transportation costs equally. Then he could have him every other Christmas but he is solely responsible for those transportation fees. I still have full legal and sole custody, which is important to me. Child support was also increased, as much as Jay tried to fight that. I had to compromise in some areas as well, like Jay will claim Noah every other year on taxes on the condition that he is completely current on child support. We had it notarized and it's being sent to a judge to sign off on.

We're happy. Everything seems go be falling into place perfectly in time for our move.

I can't believe it. On another note, I REALLY hate packing and will be happy when this is over :P

Feb 10th!

I made a small list of things I want to do before we leave!

~~1. Visit the Children's Museum~~

2. Del Taco

3. See Grandma's Grave

4. Visit Brandi and the new baby!

5. Eat some Johnny Kaloche

6. Juicy Lucy

~~7. H&M~~

8. See my nail lady a last time!

9. Lunch with Neil

My boyfriend.

2012-01-23T04:06:00.001-07:00

♥♥

2012-01-20T21:20:00.001-07:00

What we had was real, wasn't it?

2012-01-16T08:02:00.004-07:00

I would love to have one day of peace, one day where you do not cross my mind. But I haven't for almost five years now. What we had was real, wasn't it? It was more real to me than anything else I've ever had. I meant every word I said to you. I did love you. I did want to be with you for as long as you wanted me. I messed up, I know. I guess a part of me kept waiting for you to screw me over, because that's what I was used to. I kept waiting for you to leave, and then you did. And that sucked. I know this is no excuse. After that phone call, I remember sitting on my kitchen floor while the clock tick echoed in my empty chest, trying to breathe, trying to figure out how to go on without you. The edges aren't as raw anymore, but the hole never really did quite close.

Recovery

2012-01-15T18:14:00.001-07:00

I'm 15 days out of surgery today. The extreme pain went away around day 4 or 5. My biggest issue now is trying to get back on my sleep schedule. For some reason, I can't seem to get more than 5 hours of sleep a night. I go to bed at 8pm and wake up at 1am. Then, of course, I'm up all night long. So very irritating. I am exhausted and nothing is helping. Hopefully, this is sorted out soon though.

My insisions are healing up nicely. Four new scars to add to my 'collection' of stretch marks, meh. I'm not bothered too much by them honestly. I'm just glad I'm finally feeling better. Here's what they look like. Sorry, I couldn't get a better/up close picture of them without making me look gigantic O_O lol. This will have to do :D

Thank You

2012-01-08T23:33:00.001-07:00

I hope my kids think this someday! I don't have many pictures from my childhood and always hated that. I take pictures of my kids constantly and even scrapbook each year of their little lives. Granted, I'm about two years behind O_O.. but the scrapbooks will get done when I have free time. They better appreciate all my hard work! :D <3

Happy New Year

2012-01-01T00:58:00.003-07:00

I've been backdating a ton of my posts lately cos' life is crazy as always.

I actually spent my New Years in the hospital getting my Gallbladder removed. I had excruciating back pain for four days. So bad that I couldn't eat or drink anything. Any time I would try, the back pain would intensify ten-fold, & I'd just end up puking everything back up anyways. I became pretty dehydrated, had chills/shakes, was feeling weak & my urine had even turned a dark orangey-red color. I hate hospitals, so I tried REALLY hard to avoid it- but I just couldn't take the pain anymore. They took some blood and ran tests. My liver enzymes we're all out of whack so they knew something was really wrong. They did an ultrasound, where they learned my liver & gall bladder were inflamed & and I DEFINITELY had gallstones. And that strange colored pee was actually bilirubin. Oh, joy. When they did the surgery they found a gallstone stuck in my common bile duct, which was what was causing all the pain. When I woke up from surgery, I was apparently crying(real tears here, guys) and asking for Shaun. Oh, how I wish I didn't love him so much. The nurse said anesthesia can make you emotional. I don't remember much of my hospital stay after. Shaun did come to see me, even got to kiss me at midnight. Anyway- I'm home recovering now. I'm very sore, and the pain pills knock me out! I'll be better in a couple weeks. After a year of being sick constantly, I am REALLY hoping this is the end of it!

As far as resolutions go, I've thought of a few:
--- I want to be a better mother. Be more patient and loving with my babies. I want to appreciate every single second of them. After all, I will never get this time back.
--- Lose the rest of this weight. This has been a goal of mine for a while, but keeps being put off because I keep getting incredibly sick. I'll keep trying until I get to my goal though.
--- Become happier. There is still so much I have to learn about myself, and I really hope I am able to do that this year.
--- FINALLY start college. It's now or never.
--- Develop a closer relationship with God. Throughout my pregnancies, I feel SO close to God. It keeps slipping away though, I'd LOVE to find that again- and make it stay this time.

.. and of course- never, ever give up. My most important resolution this year is to never say no(while being reasonable, of course). Being afraid isn't doing anything for me- It's time to step out of my comfort zone.

As always, getting my life back on the UP&UP :)

♥

2011-12-27T13:58:00.001-07:00

Last year, Noah did fantastic & Audrey was the problem child. This year, I decided to dress up with them in hopes that Audrey would do better. & What do ya know, AJ did amazing, and Noah was the problem. Go figure! We still got some super cute crying pictures! However, no one bothered to tell me that my shirt had fallen so low. Thanks, guys! Wasn't worth trying to re- take the shots- so whatever, I look a little slutty. Oh well!

<3

Merry Christmas :)

2011-12-25T21:00:00.002-07:00

This was a last minute scramble to find a memory card. I eventually found one, but it was only able to hold a few more pictures :( Oh well.

Myself, my mom, and my sisters stayed up ALL night on Christmas Eve- wrapping the rest of the presents, baking, setting up the tree, etc. etc. Everything came together around 5 am so, I woke up the babies to open presents :) Noie was pretty out of it cos' it was WAY too early for him! I loved watching them open their gifts. Nothing makes ME happier than seeing THEM happy. We spent about two hours opening presents and eating home made cinnamon rolls. My mom got us an xbox with kinect... so we played the sports game and opened a million lalaloopsy dolls, trucks, and tool sets of course :) We all had a blast. I love my family. After all the craziness was over, we had a nice long nap and then ate a delicious meal made by my amazing mommy. Anddd played some more kinect sports(Why, yes, yes I was completely sore the next day).

In their coordinating Christmas jammies, opening their stockings.

Fighting over toys already, haha. Whats new!

All better :)

Goodbye

2011-12-22T16:28:00.001-07:00

The Zoo Lights

2011-12-20T15:46:00.001-07:00

Despite living here for four years, this was our first year going to see the zoo lights. I'd never even heard of it previously! I learned about it through a few of my favorite Utah bloggers. We were all pretty hesitant at first, cos' we knew it was going to be freezing! But I bundled the kids up in puffy jackets, hats & mittens. They might of been a little cold, but it was worth it (:

We forgot to bring the stroller & my little man ended up wanting to be held & cuddled the entire time. Which is fine, usually. Except, if you've ever been to Hogel zoo you know it's full of mini hills everywhere. Oh, did I get a work out!

Oh, I just love her so much!

She is going to be a giant. She is already SO tall.

I think he stared at this string of lights for a good five minutes. He loved them!

Noah INSISTED on riding the carousel. He would scream every time we walked away from it. What do ya know, he hated it! Half way though, he was signing 'all done'. I'm sure he was getting dizzy. Audrey, as always, loved it!

I hardly every get pictures with my sister! She's seriously my best friend (: I'm not sure what I'd do without her!

My Lucy is Home

2011-12-16T16:27:00.000-07:00

I'm backdating this to December 16. I've been debating for a really long time if this was something I wanted to share on my blog. I realize this blog is public, but I also know that I don't write this for anything else, I write this for myself. And with that, I decided that this was something I didn't want to forget, even if I am judged for this.

My apartment doesn't allow dogs under the age of 12 months. But I found the perfect dog for us on KSL, except she was only 9 months old. Torey, the lady I babysit for, offered to take her for a few months until she was old enough to come home with us. It ended up working out really well, and Lucy was set to come home on December 16th, her birthday.

A few weeks ago, I realized something. I realized on that exact day, one year ago- I had my abortion. My perfect puppy was born the exact day I had my procedure. It's comforting and upsetting, and I can't get that out of my mind. I've never cried about it, but this entire week I have been on the verge of tears- anything the slightest bit emotional could set me off.

I've never regretted it, I know without a single doubt in my mind that I made the right choice. It's what was best for my situation, and for Shaun's. Shaun didn't believe me at first, he thought I was trying to scam him for money. Ha, what a joke. I think he just didn't want to believe it was real, & neither did I. I never had any symptoms, I kind of found out by surprise. Shaun didn't believe it was real until we were sitting in the abortion clinic getting an ultrasound. The tech asked us if we wanted to see the baby, and I looked at Shaun and could see him begin to tear up. When the nurse handed me the first pill to take, Shaun asked if we could just think about it for a minute. We went into a room alone and he just cried. God, that was hard. In the end, we decided it was the best to go through with it.

Now, I kind of feel like Lucy is the little one I never go to have, and maybe that's crazy. But I don't care. I love her so much (:

I Have an Entire Summer...

2011-12-14T15:22:00.001-07:00

of posts to catch up on, but I'll save those for another day.

The last few months my life has been insane, fighting on and off with Jay, being REALLY sick, getting prepared for the holidays, and a huge event that is about to take place in my life(that I can't yet share, cos' it's not my business to tell), etc. etc etc. It's really taken it's toll, I'm ALWAYS exhausted, and because of that I've let a lot of things slide, I've let my schedule become out of control- Making me EVEN MORE exhausted!

Today, though? Today was perfect. I could not of asked for a more perfect day. The kids were fantastic, we followed our schedule to a 'T', I got so much done around the house, and look, I'm even finding the time and energy to blog!

We even made time for a craft today. I've been working with Audrey to learn her letters. We've been working on just A & B the last few weeks. Practicing every single day, but she just couldn't grasp it. I realize all kids learn at their own pace, but she starts Pre-K next fall and I want her prepared. I decided to make this letter thing more fun! So I cut & glued a letter A to some construction paper and then had AJ glue and put sequins all over it. She had a blast! She's even remembered her letter all day, we will see about tomorrow though. I plan to introduce a new letter every week, as long as she is remembering. I am a proud mama today. Oh, I just love her.

and for your viewing pleasure :)

And can't forget my little man at our dinner party earlier this month :)

^^He looks happy, huh? :)

Positive and Negative

2011-11-25T07:21:00.002-07:00

I've always tried to keep my blog a positive place. Something that I can look back on, that my kids and family members can look back on. This hasn't always been easy. I've blogged a whole lot less this year. Partially because I don't have as much time as I used to, and partially because a lot of the time I feel like I have nothing positive to say. Sometimes, I come on here and write an entire blog and then just delete the thing(In fact, I'm thinking of doing that now).

This year has been really hard on me.

I've been really sick for months, every time I think I'm getting better- I get sick again. It's exhausting. I'm tired constantly. It would be nice to just stay healthy for a few weeks. I hope to God that I am finally better by Christmas. It's be nice to enjoy my favorite holiday with my babies (:

Shaun and I haven't been doing so good this year either. We broke up.. A LOT. Things are starting to settle down again though. We didn't talk for about a month in October. I had to delete him off my facebook page for being so rude-I still refuse to add him back on. I don't really let him around the kids very often- maybe a couple times a month. He spent Thanksgiving with me and my family though, and it was really nice.

Jay and I were getting along for months, but we're fighting again so we're going back to our court-appointed custody schedule. I've already applied for legal aid.

I often think about going back- to before kids. Sometimes, I wish I could go back. It's not because I don't love my kids. I love them very much, and they are my life. I guess I just feel like they deserve better than me.

blah blah blah blah blah...

I've been questioning a lot in my life, I've been incredibly sick and tired but there has been good too.

Like even though I've been this sick, I've gotten so many extra cuddles from my kiddos. They're usually too busy playing to care about little ole' me.

Even though things have been really rocky with Shaun, I know I really love him & he really loves me. It was nice spending Thanksgiving together for the very first time.

Even though Jay and I have been fighting, it will be settled soon enough, and that's pretty comforting.

And even though I often wonder what it would be like to of waited to have kids. I wonder if I could be doing a better job, if they could of had a better mom- I KNOW in my heart that they love me, and they will love me no matter what. I'm doing a good job. I'm doing a damn good job even though I had them so young. More importantly, I couldn't of asked for better kids.

In the end, you have to take the good times with the bad times. The positive and the negative. I am not what happened to me, I am what I choose to become.

"I'll Pay What The State Makes Me Pay"

2011-11-23T18:17:00.003-07:00

I apologize ahead of time for my language in this. I'm just so damn frustrated :(

God, I hate dealing with my sons dad.
CS was originally set at 7.25 an hour. He now makes 18 an hour. I have full custody and I am supposed to get 236 a month based on the original amount. He also gets Noah 1 week every 6 weeks according to our custody agreement.

He only wants to pay the original amount- it's being garnished from his checks. Last week I sent in a formal request to ORS to adjust the CS. I called them today. Apparently, they send me income paperwork to fill out first. Once it's sent back- they send out the same paperwork for Jay. Jay has 30-45 days to reply. Once that is back, everything is sent to the attorney general where it takes about 180 days to process. Are you freaking KIDDING me?!

By the time all that is done, I'm sure Jay will of quit or been fired.

I already compromised by giving him extra time with Noah- he now gets 2 weeks every other month. Jay doesn't want to compromise at all. Based on his new income he should be paying 600/month. He wants to claim Noah on taxes every other year- I originally said no but again, trying to compromise with him- I told him if he started paying 500/month in child support he could claim him every other year. He said "I'll pay what the state makes me pay"

Well, fine. You can see your son when the state says you can see your son. I hate this bullshit, he wants me to compromise for him and his situation but he doesn't want to do the same for me. I'm so tired of this.

End vent.

We Love Fall Leaves :)

2011-11-22T20:20:00.000-07:00

These were taken at my moms condo, before they raked up all the leaves. Oh, we had so much fun. I lalalalalove her!

What are the seasons like?

2011-11-11T23:11:00.001-07:00

What are you doing the rest of your life? north and south and east and west of your life? i have only one request of your life, that you spend it all with me. all the seasons and the times of your days, all the nickels and the dimes of your days. let the reasons and the rhymes of your days all begin and end with me. i want to see your face in every kind of light, in fields of gold and forests of the night; and when you stand before the candles on a cake let me be the one to hear the silent wish you make. those tomorrows waiting deep in your eyes in the world of love you keep in your eyes. I'll awaken what's asleep in your eyes, it may take a kiss or two. through all of my life.. summer, winter, spring and fall of my life, all i ever will recall of my life is all of my life with you.

I Promise I Always Will

2011-11-08T22:00:00.000-07:00

I’ve dialed your number half a thousand times, hoping just to hear your  voice on the other line. I never had the courage to finally make that  call. I’ve been missing you so much, have you been missing me at all? I  need you here now, more than ever before. If you’re not by my side, tell  me what is worth living for? I never had the courage to tell you how I  feel, but honestly I’ve always loved you and I promise I always will.

Baking with Grandma

2011-11-02T20:27:00.000-06:00

They both had a blast. As soon as we told Audrey we were going to be making cookies, she started frantically searching for her owl apron. Noah sat in his highchair most of the time just watching, until Grandma handed him the measuring cup. Then he wanted to play hide a seek! He laughed so hard, and so did we :) He's a ham. I love them :)

Wishing Weed

2011-11-01T18:43:00.000-06:00

I picked a wishing weed beneath your mother’s tree and I asked it to bring you back to me. Then a dragonfly took it to the sky, and it rode on the wind until it caught your eye.

I’m never gonna get over you. Not cause I can’t, but I don’t want to. I’m gonna get you back if it’s the only thing I do. I’m never gonna get over you.

I took the secret path to where I saw you last, and a sparrow dropped a letter to me as it passed. It was a simple sketch of a heart in red, and it broke me when I opened it because all it said was, “I’m never gonna get over you. Not cause I can’t, but I don’t want to. You know it’s true that I’m gonna get you back if it’s the only thing I do. I’m never gonna get over”

Of all the lovers found and lost and never seen again, you’re the only one that’s worth repeating through my head.

So.. I’m never gonna get over you. Not cause I can’t, but I don’t want to. You know it’s true that I’m gonna get you back if it’s the only thing I do. I’m never gonna get over you.

I’m never gonna get over you.

Happy Halloween!

2011-10-31T20:50:00.000-06:00

(I love this picture. This is SO her personality! Center stage, always)

We spent Halloween at my great aunts & uncles house- Betty & Keith. We walked about two blocks around the neighborhood with cousin Brandi and her boys. We love them, and have a blast whenever we see them.

Audrey was obviously Tinkerbell, and Noah was Peter pan. I love dressing them in coordinating outfits. I know they wont always allow that, so I will take advantage of it while I can! Charlie(the ninja) and Audrey are totally in puppy love. They held hands and hugged most of the time. Charlie even said to her, "When I grow up I'll be a millionaire and then marry you" D'awww! SO cute!

If I have to sacrifice everything, I will.

2011-10-30T04:28:00.001-06:00

cos' you're worth it.
How did I ever get so lucky?

Carving Pumpkins :)

2011-10-22T20:14:00.000-06:00

Ignore the naked babies :) It was the easiest/cleanest way to deal with pumpkin guts!

2011-10-22T17:55:00.001-06:00

an update on this!-- letting go

Things have been kind of stressful lately with lawyer stuff. My lawyer sent me a statement saying he needed $500 more for mediation, & $1500 more for court. Um, thank you kindly, but no. Gosh, I really hate lawyers. He also told me he would be resigning as my lawyer if I didn't pay this amount by Oct 31st. Well, no need. Cos' Jay and I have things worked out.

He will have N every other month for 2 weeks at a time. He gets no holidays, and I get to pick the dates when he will be gone. Works for me! :D I'm sure it works for Jay too, cos' he doesn't really want to spend more money in court either. Now we just need to get this finalized. The schedule will change again when Noah is 5 and in school.

Noah leaves again Nov 12-26. Which technically includes Thanksgiving, but we don't really celebrate that holiday and Jay does- so I figured I'd be nice and let him have it :D

I'm so happy this is finally dealt with, hopefully this is the end of it and it will be smooth sailing from here on out :D

Cornbelly's

2011-10-12T20:14:00.000-06:00

We spent the entire day here, and the kids absolutely loved it. :) Thanksgiving Point is seriously one of my favorite places. We can't wait to go back! :D

A Year Ago..

2011-10-08T11:27:00.065-06:00

One year ago today, Jay went home to Colorado. We were already broken up, but he was living out of his car & sleeping on friends couches for 2 months prior to finally leaving. I knew it was going to be hard, I'd been a single mom before. He wasn't much help when he was around anyways, but I was freaking out.

Jay and I broke up frequently and I always went back in fear, not because I loved him. I feared being alone, I feared parenting alone, I was just very afraid of the unknown. It was much easier to stay where I was comfortable, where it was 'easy'. I knew I wasn't happy though, and something needed to change. It was very clear Jay and I could not be together. I knew that I couldn't make my kids happy, if I wasn't happy myself. And if I couldn't be happy with Jay, I needed to leave and find happiness elsewhere.

When Jay left, I found the motivation to get my license, a car, my GED, and even move out on my own in just the first six months! I am so unbelievably proud of myself for that, and I am still working towards bettering our lives. I still can't believe where I was just a year ago, I'm in awe of myself(haha). I've just come so far.

Although this year hasn't been easy, AT ALL, I have found that happiness. Pushing myself out of my comfort zone made me grow so much as a person. I know this is going to sound ridiculously cheesy, but I feel like I've finally 'found myself'. & Although I don't have someone by my side, I'm happier than I've ever been, and so are my kids. Sometimes, It's okay to be afraid. I did it, and I did it afraid. I love my life (:

As always, getting my life back on the UP&UP.

♥

2011-10-05T13:32:00.003-06:00

Kids Club!

2011-10-01T11:14:00.002-06:00

On the first Saturday of every month, the home depot in American Fork(Where my sister works) has a kids club! Where they get to build something, & get a badge and an apron. Audrey has gone several times, & today is Noah second time!
I'm not sure if the other home depots do this, but I should probably find out because AF is so far!
Today they had a fire engine, & an ambulance. Audrey even learned how to use a fire extinguisher. She even put out a fire!

Noah going to kids club with his monkey!

& We can't forgets Noah's dramatic "Don't look at me" face. <3

"driving" the fire engine!

Gosh, I just love them so much. I don't know what I'd do if they weren't in my life. Totally worth waking up at the crack of dawn, never getting to pee alone, and never having any money to spend on myself. Lalalalove them!

One Thing

2011-09-29T23:51:00.000-06:00

I've been thinking a lot lately about choices and consequnces. How amazing or disastrous things can become from 1 single choice.
My mom found an ex of hers 'the one that got away' and they we're briefly in a relationship, so during that time we talked about moving to Grand Junction, CO, where he lived. I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and add some people on myspace from the area. Which is how I met Jay. It's so strange to me that if my mom had never gotten together with her ex, I never would of met Jay, never would of had Noah.

If I had decided to stick with my adoption plan, & placed my son, I'm almost positive I'd be together with a certain someone right now. Instead, we both moved on. He has another kid now, and is getting married in a month.

Then I think about things that are a little harder to stomach.. for example, when I told Brent I was pregnant, he cried. He sat on my bed and just cried. I walked away, I didn't try to comfort him, or talk about it at all. He was the one who really left, but I was the one who actually broke up with him. I just texted him and said "Fuck you, we're done"... and that was it. I shouldn't of handled it that way, but I did. IDK if I could of made Brent stay, or at least be a part of Audrey's life but it couldn't of hurt, right? I get chills just thinking about it, it's extremely hard to live with regret.

Which brings me to the present. Shaun and I broke up, well.. he broke up with me. Every few months he gets into these moods. I could do absolutely nothing wrong, yet he BLOWS up on me. The other day I just told him, I needed to talk, in person. He asked me about what but I told him I didn't want to talk about it over the phone. He proceded to tell me to 'get the fuck out of his life'... and other horrible things. Even posting on my wall that 'It wasn't his problem that I spread my legs for two losers, brent and jay, so I needed to just deal with it'. Once he starts acting this way, I don't even respond but he just won't stop. Blowing up my phone, telling my awful things, posting all over my FB. I had to delete him. I haven't responded to his texts. I'm so hurt, and I know I don't deserve this AT ALL. Why do I love someone who can say/do such hurtful things to me? Why? This is just the tip of the iceburg to all of our many, many problems. I don't know where to go from here. He just texted me admitting he over reacted. Well, yeah, you did. Does it make it right? No. Is this going to happen again? Absolutely. I'm just trying to tell myself to stay strong, cos' the longer I'm with him, the more obligated I feel to stay. One of the biggest issues is he is such a financial help to me, even though I KNOW I could make it with out him, he's kind of become a crutch in our lives. I struggle with not knowing what's best for my family. Is it worth it try and work things out with him? I don't know. I really do not know.

I know I'm all over the place here, but my point is ONE variable can change the entire course of mine and my kids' lives. I just don't want to make anymore mistakes, I always want to make sure I'm doing the right thing for them, & for myself.

<3

First Day Of Fall! (:

2011-09-23T12:50:00.000-06:00

It is the first day of Fall, and I am so excited! Fall is my favorite season, I love the changing of the leaves, cooler weather, warmer clothes, haunted houses, the pumpkin patch, halloween, ahhh I am just so IN LOVE with fall :)

I thought once I finally got my laptop I would start blogging again, but I've had it two weeks now, and as you can see, not much has changed. I'm in a funk again, & my life is crazy busy. I can barely find time to shower, let alone sit down and gather my thoughts.
Here's a little update on whats up with us :)

- The kids are doing fantastic, getting SO big! At Audrey's last doctor appointment, she was above the 95th percentile for her height, and 90th percentile for her weight. She's the size of a 4 year old. Advanced, and very smart for her age too. At Noah's 18 month appointment he was in the 40th percentile for his weight, 65th for his height. Just when I think he is a chunk! He is actually still pretty tiny!

- Jay and I came to an agreement on our parenting plan, without mediation, without lawyers. We're getting on getting it legalized soon. Hopefully things can stay peaceful, for the sake of little man.

- In June, I took on 2 more kids. It's been SO much fun, but it's also just made my life THAT much crazier. I love the crazy, I love all the kids. Even when it means waking up at the crack of dawn, we have so much fun together. The kids all love each other(MOST days, haha!) We've gone on field trips to the zoo, the park, & I have much more trips planned in the next few months. Lately my biggest problem has been getting the funds for these things. Doesn't paying bills suck? I am so broke!

- Christmas is around the corner, and I am counting down the days! 92 days to be exact :D I feel like I'm slacking, because I have yet to buy any Christmas presents! I haven't even bought their Halloween costumes yet, whoops! I have everything planned out though, I just need more money. Soon enough!

- We got a dog! Her name is Lucy :) She is a black maltipoo(Half Maltese, half miniature poodle). She is the sweetest thing in the world, completely potty trained, doesn't ever bark, puts up with my kids- Could she get any more perfect!? Only problem is, she is only 9 months old, and my apartment doesn't allow pets under 12 months. Luckily, Torey, Cheyanne's mom, agreed to keep her for a few months. I think she will be the perfect Christmas present :) We miss her so much already!

- In not so great news, I have been SO sick. This week, I've basically been in bed all week while my sister took on all my responsibilities. I've been having back spasms, severe cramps, and other issues I'd rather not broadcast all over the Internet. I made an appointment last week, but the earliest they could get me in was Thursday(Yesterday).. I apparently have pelvis inflammatory disease, and a bacterial infection. PID causes permanent damage, so hopefully we caught it early enough that it hasn't done anything too serious to my reproductive organs! I'm still in severe pain, and have been taking pain medication. Hopefully I can take this weekend to rest up and I'll be back to normal next week.

<3
I will try to start posting more soon.

It's not always going to be this hard.

2011-09-18T23:40:00.003-06:00

It's not always going to be this hard.
Through all the blood, sweat and tears
Through the nights filled with loneliness and sleeping in an empty bed
To all the hard work to provide the best for my children, to fulfill their needs and wants

It's not always going to be this hard.
The frustration and aggravation will subside
The loneliness will end and the playful banters for the good pillow will come
I am raising beautiful children and preparing them to go out into this world as strong, independent human beings with respect, maturity, and ethics.

It's not always going to be this hard.
Through the stresses of work and custody battles
Through the frustration of having to do everything by myself
To the constantly being broke, not having the things I want, and sometimes not having the things I need for myself

It's not always going to be this hard
But I am grateful that I have a job, a car, and a place to call home. And somewhere out there, there is guy who will love and appreciate me for me. Who will love my kids like his own.
But I am grateful that I have wonderful, happy children whom I love more then anything. They are what keep me going and striving to be the best that I can be.
This is for them.

And it's not always going to be this hard.

That One Person

2011-09-17T21:31:00.000-06:00

2011-09-10T21:55:00.001-06:00

There is an inner beauty about a woman who believes in herself, who knows she is capable of anything that she puts her mind to. There is a beauty in the strength and determination of a woman who follows her own path, who isn't thrown off by obstacles along the way. There is a beauty about a woman whose confidence comes from experiences; who knows she can fall, pick herself up, and move on.

Zoorassic Park

2011-09-01T19:47:00.000-06:00

(This of course is back dated, now that I finally have my pictures on my computer)

This was the very last day that Hogel zoo had the dinosaurs on site for the zoorassic park. Audrey loved it, the other kids we're pretty terrified. I'll be honest and say I don't remember much since this was months ago! So I will let the pictures do the talking :)

Aside from the Dino's, the kids loved the zoo- as always :)
<3

Letting Go

2011-08-31T22:59:00.000-06:00

I say this a lot, that it's time to let go, but this time it really is. It's time for me to stop being so angry all the time, yanno? Moving on is really hard for me cos' it's SO much easier to stay angry.

Jay called me for the first time in over a month the other day. We were actually getting along, instead of the usual fighting, & it was quite refreshing. I put Noah on the phone, and he was instantly happy. It made my heart melt. They really love each other. Jay may not be the best dad in the world, he may be irresponsible and disrespectful to me, but he REALLY loves his son, which is a lot more than I can say about other 'dads'*ahem, Brent*.

I think the best thing I can do for Noah, is to have him spend more time with his dad while he is little. This part of his life is so impressionable. I dont want to take Noah away from his dad, I just want more stability in our lives. Hopefully Jay and I can come to some agreement about when he will have Noah, cos' I'm so done with this court crap. We still have mediation, which is another $500, and my lawyer won't stop nagging me about it. The last thing we need though, is to spend thousands more battling this out in court. So, I need to let the petty things go(Like child support since AUGUST, not October, like he thinks). I hope to God Jay will work with me, and we can get things settled for little Noie.

On a happy note, I did finally meet Jay's girlfriend today. She's nice, and so now I feel like a huge b*tch for being so mean to her in the past. I'm not here to be her friend though, and she has no idea how it feels for me when she plays mom to my son. I suppose that is also a work in progress.
On an even HAPPIER note, when I was trying to hand Noah over to Jay, he held on to me tight. He didn't want to go. I really love this little boy, and I know that he really loves me too. <3

Even though past situations still make me angry, I'm ready to let go, for Noah's sake. Cos' he deserves better than his parents fighting all the time. Dear God, please teach me how to be the bigger person! Remind me to stop sweating the small stuff.

There's No Place Like Home!

2011-08-28T18:34:00.000-06:00

Texas isn't what I remember at all. I hate Texas. It's hot and sticky, and almost everything I remember has changed. Was it worth taking a week off work, putting a zillion miles on my car, dealing with super sick kids that made it impossible to even have a 'vacation'..? haha, absolutely not. I should of just stayed home and worked. On the flip side of that, I'm glad that I realized that I'm missing something that is no longer there. Texas isn't what it used to be, the people aren't the same, the places aren't the same, my feelings aren't the same. The food was still good though(LOL), but regardless, I have absolutely no desire to return. Now, I can move on, & finally start to enjoy my life in Utah... for as long as I'm here at least. Which hopefully isn't forever! This isn't exactly my ideal place to raise my kiddos!

As far as our Texas To-Do list, I got 13/15 done. Cafe' adobe went out of business and was replaced with another restruant :( & Audrey didn't meet her 'dad'.. but that's a post for another day.

Heres a quick little run down of how each day went:

Friday(technically Saturday!) we left at Midnight, & drove the 6 hours to Cortez.

Saturday: Left at 8 AM, drove all the way to Lewisville, TX, arrived at 1am on Sunday.

Sunday: Spent the day with my crazy aunt, haha. Then headed to my Dads that night.

Monday: Six Flags! & Chuck E. Cheese with my dad.

Tuesday: Drove the 4 hours to Houston, TX. Ate yummy food. Saw Jason that night.

Wednesday, ate more yummy food, lol. Saw my old Color Guard instuctor, Tom. Then took Audrey to the ER, where we waited 5 hours to be seen & I was PEED on by her, the first hour in. It was.. a blast. Saw Evan & Leeanna that night.

Thursday: Packed the Uhaul, are MORE yummy food, then drove back to Lewisville, Tx.

Friday: Drove to Lubbock, TX(where my cousin got married)

Saturday: I got to sit in a hotel all day because my kids were ridiculously sick, while everyone else went to the wedding.

Sunday: Headed home. We got home Monday morning at 5 am...

Monday: Got to unload the Uhaul.

Oh man, what fun, right?

On the brightside of this horrible 'vacation', I did get to see my crazy aunt, and my dad. & I brought my desk back from Texas. That thing was full of old birthday cards, and pictures. I hadn't laughed so hard in a WHILE.

I didn't take that many pictures, unfortunately. Should of taken more :<

Needless to say, VERY VERY VERY glad to be home!

Texas to do list (:

2011-08-14T12:17:00.003-06:00

Firstly, we we're able to save our $1500 dollars for the trip, plus more, so we can just cross that off the list :)
~~5. Save $1500 for Texas trip~~

Man, that was a long drive. Before we left, I splurged and bought a $100 DVD player for the car. It has duel screens, so one for each kid. Lemme tell you, that was the BEST $100 dollars I've ever spent. It kept them entertained and quiet for most of the trip. My mom and I went 50/50 on the driving, but I'm still pretty exhausted. Towards the end, the kids were pretty done, so I let them out of their seats and cuddled them instead. Yup, go ahead and slap me on the wrist. It was a 23 hour drive, they we're BEYOND done.We're at my aunts house now, just outside of Dallas, TX and I've decided to make a short do to list for our Texas trip. (:

1. ~~HAG~~
~~2. See my Dad~~
~~3. Eat Some Delicious CiCi's Pizza.~~
~~4. Woodlands Mall~~
~~5. Visit with my Friends (:~~
~~6. Kobe's~~
7. Cafe' Adobe
8. Audrey meets her 'Dad'
~~9. Pack the Uhaul~~
~~10. Jack in the Box!~~
~~11. Six Flags (:~~
~~12. Saltgrass~~
~~13. TOM~~
~~14. My Cousin's Wedding~~
~~15. Don't kill the car!~~

Yeah, I realize most of these things are food, we're just fat (:. Being in Utah, we miss real food. & Thank the good Lord above that my wisdom tooth infection has cleared up, otherwise I wouldn't even be able to eat.

<3

The Hardway

2011-07-20T17:51:00.002-06:00

Secret

2011-07-19T07:57:00.000-06:00

I saw this secret on PS a few weeks ago. It gave me the chills reading it. Audrey has never met her dad but he has recently become interested in meeting her. Since the DNA results came back, he has actually been sending his child support like he is supposed to, and remains adamant about meeting her come August. He called me the other day and tried to convince me that it is in Audrey's "best interest" to introduce him as dad. I completely disagree, it's been nearly a year since Jay left and she still hasn't fully recovered from that. She has major issues with people 'leaving her'. It was the last thing I wanted for her, but it is what it is. For the past couple months I've been letting her know that Noah has his daddy, and she has one of her own. Things seem to be getting easier for her, but I'm not ready to introduce Brent as 'dad' yet. I feel like the best option for us is to wait to see if Brent follows through with wanting to be a dad. He seems pretty consistent but he isn't getting a prize for showing interest four years later. I've been doing this alone this whole time, and at this point I'd prefer it that way but I want what's best for Audrey and I think letting her meet Brent IS what's best. Introducing him as dad right off the bat? Definitely not what's best for her.

Calla #2

2011-07-18T18:53:00.000-06:00

Audrey and her PIC Bailey killed Calla #1. Then Bailey managed to kill Peter and we had to buy 2 more fish, haha. They weren't trying to hurt them, they were just trying to 'clean' their tanks by putting soap in them, essentially suffocating them. Whoops.

Audrey was heartbroken when we had to flush Calla down the potty. There were real tears. It was pretty serious. We're more careful with Calla #2. :)

Here he is in all his glory ;)

1. Buy a Bike

2011-07-10T20:01:00.001-06:00

Audrey and I went out today and bought new bikes :) I taught Audrey how to ride a bike some time ago, and now we're having to teach her again, haha. She is doing well! & she loves it. She wouldn't wear her helmet for the pictures, cos' shes a stinker :)

Petting Zoo, Thanksgiving Point

2011-07-08T19:42:00.001-06:00

A few weekends ago, I took my little ones to the petting zoo at thanksgiving point. They seriously had a blast. Noah wouldn't sit still to save his life, haha. I was surprised by how much he loved the animals.

They got to pet horses!

And baby goats,

We saw turkeys, this guy sounded exactly like a dolphin, it was so funny :P

We rode on a 'horse drawn carriage'

This was Audrey's first time riding a pony. She LOVED it!

We played games

And attempted to take a picture here, The kids weren't having it :(

I need a better camera, I can't stand how pixelated these pictures look.
<3

17. Visit Hole N' The Rock

2011-07-04T18:33:00.000-06:00

We spent our fourth of July weekend visiting family in Colorado. We had so much fun! Even though it's a 6 hour drive each way, which was extremely exhausting. My kids had a blast seeing all the new people :) Hole N' The Rock is on the way. On the way down to CO, we toured the house. On the way back, we visited the petting zoo, where Audrey and Noah were able to feed the animals. SO adorable, and so worth the stop (:

Isn't he Gigantic!?

Jane Doe and John Deer!

This Camel followed us the whole time looking for carrots, haha.

Myspace

2011-06-25T17:18:00.001-06:00

I think stupid things like this, are the only reason I miss Myspace (:

haha <3

1. Five things that sum you up as a person:

Funny, Open-minded, Positive, Persistent, Responsible.

&Awesome, duh ;)

2. Things you are grateful for:

My extremely supportive family, and SO. My kids of course (:

3. How you do your makeup/hair:

Makeup- I normally keep it pretty simple. Mascara, I color in my eyebrows, & powder to even out my skin tone, sometimes blush (: Hair, up in a pony tail most days, or in a fat. Occasionally I'll straighten it.

4. How you lost your virginity/ your current feelings on still being a virgin:

I'm gonna go ahead and skip this question (:

5. Your fears:

Number one fear is something happening to my kids. I think about it way more than I should! Heights, fish, and being cheated on are other ones.

6. A sentimental possession and the story behind it:

The first one that came to my mind is a little note my cousin, Hannah, wrote me when I was going through a hard time deciding on whether adoption was right for me or not. <3 "I hope you will be okay"

7. A habit you can’t stop:

Biting my nails is a huge one, fake nails help it a lot though :P

8. The story behind your URL, and your past URLs:

First name, middle initial.

9. Something that’s currently in the news, and your opinion on it:

http://www.ksl.com/index.php?nid=960&sid=16106892

This at the moment, but it's local news. As someone who is a huge advocate on car seat safety, it just blows my mind that someone can be so damn careless.

10. A quote:

'This Too Shall Pass'.. is that one that has been stuck in my head for a few weeks now.

11. A nightmare you’ve had:

I constantly have nightmares that occur in the EXACT same location, but different things happen all the time. I most often have nightmares of being cheated on.

12. Pet peeves:

When people tear their labels off bottles. IDK why but it drives me absolutely insane!

13. Write the first 20 songs that come up on your ipod (on shuffle):

'Jane Doe'- Never Shout Never

'Your Heart is an Empty Room'- Death Cab for Cutie

'Drunk Kid Catholic'- Bright Eyes

'At the Bottom of Everything'- Bright Eyes

'Absolute'- The Fray

'Logan to Government Center'- Brand New

'Happy Apple Poison'- Lovedrug

'The Shower Scene'- Brand New

'Mama's Song'- Carrie Underwood

'Chandelier Lake'- Tilly & the Wall

...10 is enough.

14. Something you’re not proud of:

How I’ve pushed away everyone of my friends that ever genuinely cared about me and now that I’m at the point where I don’t even know how to make friends or interact with people because of it. It sucks, I wish I could take it all back and be different. But I just don’t know how.

15. Thoughts currently in your head:

Just extremely tired. Too late for a nap! :-(

----------------------------

We went Camping for the first time last night (: Audrey totally loved it, won't stop talking about it, can't wait to go again!

I'm exhausted, and we weren't even there 24 hours. We had to come home early cos' a babysitter fell through, and Noah didn't have anyone to watch him. I think I will go again soon! At Timpanogos Cave!

I didn't, however, take any pictures. Whoops!

14. Go to the Museum of Ancient Life at Thanksgiving Point

2011-06-18T18:37:00.001-06:00

On the way to the dino museum (:

On our way back (:

They were exhaussssted

7. BBQ with my Family

2011-06-08T18:13:00.000-06:00

I can't find my SIM card for my camera, so phone pictures it is!

It was finally nice this weekend!

So we spent our Sunday at my moms house, swimming and BBQ'n. Audrey had a blast (:

The day before, I went to Lagoon with KK.

I rode three rides, and went home, cos' we're I was, and still am, way sick.

Noah comes back this weekend, after spending two weeks with his dad.

I'm so exciteddd (: AJ and I both miss him massive amounts!

29. Dye my Hair Red

2011-06-01T23:19:00.001-06:00

I'm looking fatter than usual lately. I totally gained like 10 pounds back since moving out. :-( I'm attempting to lose at least 20 this summer, we will see how that goes though!

ANYWAY (: RED! It's still a little bright, but I plan on dying it 1 more time for good measure :D I'm happy, I look more like *myself* again. I go through phases where I feel like I don't look *mommy* enough, but I realized it doesn't matter. My outward apperance doesn't change who I am. I'm still a good mom, I just look the way I want to look, not the way everyone else thinks I SHOULD look. I don't care what anyone else thinks about it anymore, which is a really freeing feeling. Now, to re-pierce my septum:

The bright side of this piercing is- I can flip it up inside my nose ;)

Then I only have to show it when I want to!

I also plan on finishing my half sleeve! yayyyyyyyyyy <3

"Paternity Changes Things"

2011-05-29T18:05:00.001-06:00

I called ORS/child support last week to get more information about my child support cases. They informed me that the DNA results for Brent/Audrey had been sent to my old address, but that I had been awarded $219 in child support.

I definitely did a little happy dance, I don't care about the money, I'm just glad he finally has to own up. She IS his, I never had any doubt but plenty of other people did. I contacted him shortly after, I was only going to ask if he was even employed and planning on sending money. I NEVER contact him, I've literally talked to him maybe a total of 5 times since Audrey was born. He told me he didn't want to talk about anything other than visitation. O_O..

He's never wanted to meet her before, I've even offered to pay for a plane ticket, give him a place to stay, etc. I was really shocked. He told me that paternity changed things, but he had a feeling I'd make the visit really unpleasant.

I said, "What would make you say that? I don't even bother you, you're the one who has refused to take responsibility. Either way, what I *might* do, shouldn't affect your decision to be a part of her life."

Brent: "Don't worry, it wont. I only say that because you probably have a lot of things you'd like to say to me and you haven't always portrayed yourself to be the nicest person.

----I'm rolling my eyes sooo hard right about now----

Me: "There are many things I'd like to say to you, but I try my hardest not to be bitter. Besides, it's not me you have to answer to, it's Audrey. And if you think you're just going to come into her life and play dad, you have another thing coming. Ball is in your court, so decide what you want."

He basically told me he understood that, so I let him know we'd be in Texas in August and he could meet her then on 2 conditions- He isn't introduced as 'dad', and he feels 100% sure he's 'ready' for this before meeting her. He then told me he to tell AJ that he 'loves her and cant wait to meet her' and even said 'I can't wait to see the both of you'
(Extra eye rolls for that one, ugh)

I'm still not sure how I feel about this, or why I was even nice to him. Then, I realized I still have this sick hope that, even after all this time, one day every thing will work out. One day, we'll be the happy little family that I wanted. In the back of my mind, I know he hasn't changed. Come August, I'm sure he'll of changed his mind again about wanting to see her. I'm trying to look at this with a level head, through Audrey's perspective. I feel like if I don't give her/them this opportunity, she will resent me when she's older. If it turns out that he is still a complete loser, I want her to learn that on her own terms- not mine. This is going to be one of my hardest parenting decisions I ever make. I want SO badly to protect her. I keep asking myself a million questions. Will she remember this? Will she be utterly confused, hurt, scared? Will he even mean anything to her? Will she mean anything to him? Will she resent the fact that I let her meet him, instead of the other way around? etc, etc, etc,... ugh

I'm sure this will be scary for her, it's scary for me too. She has always just been mine. I've never had to share, and don't particularly want to. I guess we'll see.

This is the only picture in existance where Audrey even remotely looks like her dad.

It's my Birthday

2011-05-22T14:07:00.002-06:00

& I can cry if I want to.

Today isn't really my birthday, my birthday was actually on Thursday.

I've decided to rewrite this post, cos' I can't stand how whiny I sounded in the previous post. I don't hate my birthday, these last few have just been really hard on me. I still expect my birthday to be special like it was when I was younger, but I decided there are more important things. I'm trying now to look at the positives of last Thursday. Audrey told me happy birthday all day! My mom came over and made me dinner, my sister made me cake.

I'm happy my mom came over to celebrate with me. Things had just been really difficult with Shaun. He's going through a lot, and I've tried so hard to understand and not pressure him. It's been really hard on me, so we decided to break up. I don't know if this is temporary, I don't know if this is forever. I'm trying to take things one day at a time. I really love him, and miss him terribly. It is what it is though. Thankfully, he is still helping me. Which is more than I can say about a lot of people.

Back to always looking on the brightside. <3

Summer To-Do List 2011 (:

2011-05-14T22:50:00.015-06:00

I completed about 2/3rds from last year & I'll add most of the ones I didn't finish last Summer, and some that we did do but we want to do again. Here we go (:
~~1. Buy a Bike~~
2. Hanksville Trip
~~3. Go Camping for the First Time~~
~~4. Go to~~ ~~Lagoon~~
~~5. Save $1500 for Texas trip~~
6. Hike to a Hot Springs
~~7. BBQ with my Family~~
8. Eat Shaved Ice with Audrey & Noah
~~9. Read 10 books~~
~~10.~~ ~~New iPhone~~
11. Lose 20+ pounds
12. Take kids to The Living Planet Aquarium
13. Go to Wheeler Farm
~~14. Go to the~~ ~~Museum of Ancient Life at Thanksgiving Point~~
~~15. Send in a Secret to~~ ~~Postsecret~~
16. Talk to a Counselor at SLCC to enroll for Spring 2012
~~17. Visit~~ ~~Hole N' The Rock~~
18. Send BFF her birthday gift, again, only 4 months late.
19. Get another Tattoo
~~20. Add $50 each into my kids' savings accounts.~~
21. Visit the Price Family Holocaust Memorial
22. Go to a Ghost Town
23. Zipline
24. Make Audrey a Duvet Cover
~~25.~~ ~~Color Me Mine~~ ~~with my sister (:~~
26. Make a Glass Flower at the Art Institute
27. Paint a Picture for Audrey's Room
~~28. Finish Unpacking~~
~~29. Dye my Hair Red~~
~~30. My moms birthday present!~~

Happy Mothers Day

2011-05-08T10:38:00.001-06:00

Calla (:

2011-05-07T11:57:00.000-06:00

Audrey and I went to petco yesterday to buy a couple hermit crabs, since we already had the tank all set up for em', cos' we had hermit crabs a few years back. We did get the crabs, but AJ decided she wanted a fish too. She picked a red.. really ugly Beta and named him "Calla".

We are still unpacking. I'm dreading it, & not cos' it's hard at all- I just know the more that is unpacked, the messier the house becomes. As much as I've wanted to live without my mom, I can't even begin to tell you how incredibly boring it is. O.o. && I'm still living without a computer, which means I'm blogging even less.

Soon, I will be posting a summer to-do list (: I got about 2/3rds done last year. Hopefully, this year, I can complete the whole thing :D

Speaking of Bad Luck...

2011-04-19T16:13:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, my sister and I went to sign our lease on the apartment. We get there and they 'suddenly realize' they made a mistake. They originally told us that May rent would be free, and we would just need to pay the $500 deposit, and rent for the week would we would be staying at the end of April. It added up to around 850 dollars, which would be less than 1 month of rent so all is well! Right? Wrong. Apparently, this bottom floor apartment wasn't included in that certain promotion and they could only give us $500 dollars off of May's rent, which equals about $1400. Perfect! This is exactly what we needed, cos' yanno.. moving two households at the same time is pretty cheap. heh.

I then texted my mom, who called and then asked to speak to Ryan, the guy 'helping' us; She was pretty upset over the whole situation. My poor mom is so stressed out! Ryan told us he could get us a THIRD floor apartment with May rent free, however, I am SO done with stairs; There is no way I'm going to carry my kids/groceries up two flights of stairs. At this point, it's too late to walk away. We have less than 2 weeks to move out of this apartment. Also, the first day we went in.. He told us there would be a $70 dollar application fee and a $99 dollar deposit. When we went in on monday, turns out that $99 dollars wasn't a deposit at all! It's a non-refundable "holding" fee, which he claims to of told us about. Oh, please! We can already tell we're going from this sh*tty management, to another... yay. Luckily, I have a very sweet boyfriend who is willing to pay the $600 that we're short of.

I am sooo serious that this stuff happens to me ALL the time. I never expect anything to work out anymore, cos' usually it doesn't. Just a few examples :)
-When my sister and I went in to take our GED tests, they had forgotten to put us on the list. We almost didn't get to take it, but a few people didn't show up for their tests.
-A few weeks ago, AJ and I went in for DNA testing for child support from Brent. Although, ORS and Texas state had sent me letters saying where and when my appointment was, no one bothered to inform lapcorp. I, of couse, showed up like I was supposed to.. and then had to wait about an hour while they tried to gather up all of their paperwork! Geeeezz!

Acceptance

2011-04-17T19:09:00.002-06:00

I swear, this is literally the 10th time to start writing a blog, only to get distracted and walk away.

Let's play some catch-up :)
Firstly, for those who don't know, I passed my GED test :) I only made 560/800 but I only needed a 410 to pass so it's all good.
Audrey and I had DNA testing April 6th, May 17th is Brent's court date. One month from today! It's coming up fast.
My sister and I(along with my little ones) are moving out next Saturday. I feel rushed, maybe you're never ready to 'leave the nest' until you're.. shoved out. ): This will be good for us though. I'm pretty responsible, so the bills will probably be paid on time.. maybe.. as long as I'm no where near a home decorating store.. I should be okay. We'll see ;) haha.
This will be Audrey's first time to have her own room. I'm nervous! She has major attachment issues since Jay left, so I think this will be good for her. --She wakes up in the middle of the night to 'check on me'.. make sure I'm still there. She says things like 'you won't ever leave me, right?' she won't sleep alone anymore, which means her schedule is now all over the place even though Noah's is perfectly fine. :(
.. Mainly, life has just been crazy last 4 months and I'm ready for things to finally settle down.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And wisdom to know the difference.

I've been trying to remember this lately, because things with Jay have been less than ideal, especially since our custody battle earlier this year. As much as I want Jay to change, It's about time I realize it's never going to happen and I shouldn't get my hopes up for expect any different. I asked Jay if he could take Noah a week earlier than his scheduled parent time so that I would have time to study for my test. He played games, saying he would come get him, then he couldn't. Back and forth, back and forth. He, of course, did not end up getting him early and I was left to fend for myself. I always find a way to work things out, I just wish I could get some help every now and again. Then, I asked if he could keep Noah a little longer than his regular scheduled parent time because we are moving, and moving with a baby is, I imagine, very difficult. He said yes, so I packed up all of Noah's things, anticipating that he wouldn't be back until after we had moved. Not-so surprisingly, Jay called me up to tell me he would actually be bringing him back on regular schedule. Perfect, just perfect!

Upon returning Noah, Jay arrived here an hour earlier than we/I had originally planned. I wasn't even home when he texting me telling me he was 'here'. I headed home immediately, but started to get concerned because I had Audrey with me at the time, and I wanted Jay no where near her. I called him up to ask if he would stay in his car while I brought Audrey upstairs, so that she didn't have to see him. He replied, and I quote, "No, it's a free country" then hung up the phone. When I got home, I held Audrey her tight to my chest with her head facing the opposite direction from Jay. Luckily, she didn't see him, and I couldn't be happier. I came back downstairs after dropping her off, only to see that nearly half of the clothes I packed were gone, including his Easter outfit. I was furious, I shouldn't of sent it in the first place, and the only reason I did was because he was already wearing it when Jay arrived, as we had just gotten done taking pictures with the Easter bunny. We got into a huge argument and I thought we were for sure going back to court to fight out the rest of this custody battle. Today, I decided to be the better person; I called him and we worked most things out. If we don't sign something soon, though, I doubt this amount of being civil is going to last. Here is to hoping!

In order to avoid further blow-ups between us, I've decided I will no longer be sending items with Jay. He will have to handle it himself. Considering he really doesn't have him all that often, it should be okay.

Blonde

2011-03-29T13:27:00.004-06:00

finally (:

Only took me seven times to fix.

ughh!

Definitely worth all the trouble though.

I think it's cute!

Happy Dance :)

2011-03-24T09:43:00.001-06:00

Monday, I had an appointment with Southpointe to get my GED. It was registration so I figured I would just sign up.. give them some information, pay for the test, etc. APPARENTLY NOT! We were there to take a 2 hour pre-test. When she told us this, I started to completely freak out. I hadn't studied all weekend. I am also doing my book in parts, and haven't reached the geometry or algebra part. I instantly thought I would fail :< I did good though, and I am so proud of myself ;) In fact, it gave me so much confidence that I haven't studied since. THAT IS TERRIBLE, lol! I have about 2 weeks to study a little more then I take my test :) I'm like 90% sure I will easily pass.

In other news, my sister and I are still trying to find a place to stay. Basement apartments seem to have cheaper rent each month, but the deposit is a much larger sum. Apartments are at least $100 more a month but the deposit is smaller. I'm still trying to decide what to do with all of that. We have about a month to figure it all out!

The End.

2011-03-21T11:23:00.002-06:00

Since finishing my ABC challenge, I'm left wondering where to go from here. Blogging has felt like a chore to me for quite some time now and I'm not sure how to make it fun again. Although, lots of things feel that way lately... scrapbooking.. playing sims, etc. My life has only become about the things that NEED to get done. This afternoon, I'm going into register for my GED test. I take the test April 8th, and I'm kind of freaking out! I've got less than 3 weeks to study for this thing. :< I've been studying for months but still feel like I'm not quite ready. Maybe I'm just freaking myself out?

Our lease is up next month, too. My mom has decided that we won't be living together anymore. My older sister and I will be moving out together and although my mom will still continue to help for a while, the stress of this is totally killing me. YEP, literally killing me! :) It's probably for the best, cos' I need to learn how to deal with things on my own but I'm not ready to leave the nest yet! whine-whine-whine. It is what it is though, and we will figure something out.

Z is for Zebrafish :P

2011-03-15T14:07:00.001-06:00

Ahh, you learn something new everyday. This is not a zebra fish, this is a lion fish.

Aren't these the neatest things? They have one at the Sandy Aquarium and Audrey totally fell in love with it :) She kept telling me how pretty it is :D Now to be honest, this post isn't about zebrafish to be exact, I just needed a 'Z' word to finish this challenge! Now, I can finally be done! yayayayayya

Okay, so here are pictures from the aquarium where I took Audrey, Noah, and the little girl I babysit. They had a blast and now I am seriously considering a membership to the place!

She was attempting to touch a Sting-ray, but her poor little arms were just too short!

I am SO happy to finally be done with this challenge, haha. It only took me like 7 months to complete!

Albert Einstien

2011-03-07T13:52:00.000-07:00

"Everybody is a genius. But if you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live its whole life believing that it is stupid."
— Albert Einstein

I need to remember this all the time but even more so when it comes to my kids. I have a terrible habit of always thinking my kids are behind. The fact that Noah is 13 months and isn't walking- really bothers me. The fact that Audrey is 3 and can't even count to 4- bothers me. I need to accept the fact that every child is different and grows at their own pace- their own perfect pace. The funny thing is, I don't do this with any other children- not even the little girl I've watched for well over a year. I KNOW that kids do things on their own time. I just NEVER want my kids to feel.. for lack of a better word.. stupid :/ Audrey is VERY smart. She knows all kinds of strange animals and their sounds, she can recognize letters[though, she rarely gets the letter correct, that's a good start!], she can tell you many colors, she signs with me, she knows all of her body parts :). She's very smart! I know that I work with her constantly and we're working on counting, she will get there! Noah is smart too, and so very loving. He will cuddle all day long and happy as long as his belly is full. He is starting to sign with me, too. He takes more steps every day, and I know he will get there :)

So very much in love with my two little ones. <3

Y is for yesssssssssss

2011-03-04T23:48:00.000-07:00

I went to court Tuesday morning for a temporary custody order. I thought Jay wouldn't respond because he only had 30 days to do so. He responded several days late and didn't even turn in the correct paperwork. The judge didn't even give him a slap on the hand for being SO irresponsible. The day after Jay told me he wouldn't bring Noah back I met with an attorney, and yet Jay waits till the last second? Unreal, but I expect this of him.
Jay tried to say I was suicidal which I thought was pretty humorous but he had no evidence to back it up. While I was asking for supervised visitation- they we're suggesting that Jays mother be the supervisor. LOL. The same person who helped him kidnap my son was going to 'supervise' them together. Hilarious, truly. Jay and I didn't speak at all- our attorneys covered all of that. Jay's lawyer failed to mention the fact that they have a video of me giving him all the parent time he wants. Maybe he finally figured out that was blackmail? :) I googled his attorneys name.. who just happens to be primarily a bankruptcy attorney, also quite humorous. I'm thinking to myself - did he just google 'cheapest attorney in Utah'?

In the end- we both got bits and pieces of what we wanted. Jay did not get supervised visitation, but I do have sole physical and legal custody. Jay gets parent-time for 1 week every 6 weeks. The next time he will have him is April 9th. Jay also has the option of coming up and visiting for 2 weekends in between his 1 week parenting time. I highly doubt he will do this, because he "can't afford it". This works for now, but again this is only temporary until we can decide on something better or we go to trial. I hope we're able to work it out but I doubt it. :/ We also have to be nice to each other which I'm clearly finding rather difficult. Jay was also ordered to pay child support back from January. We are working through ORS to back date this to August when he was kicked out of our house.

In other news-
I've been studying constantly for my GED. I finally feel like I'm getting smarter! On Monday I will be calling the testing center to schedule the first available test. Afterwards- I've decided to do hair school, which I couldn't possibly be more excited about (:
Brent has court on March 15th. I'm not exactly sure what this court date is for, I just know he's been served and needs to show up. I'm so happy things are finally going the way they should. My daughter is already 3- it's time he pays for his responsibility.

<3
It's only up from here!

X is for... x?

2011-02-25T22:51:00.000-07:00

I have been thinking about what I was going to write on this post since I started this challenge. At first- I thought of the obvious x words- x-ray and xylaphone. Neither of which pertain to my life. Next- I looked up a list of words beginning with the letter x. Still- I can't think of a single thing. I did try!

So there you have it :D X is for.. x.

I do have some pictures for you :D

awe :D

W is for What if?

2011-02-22T19:18:00.001-07:00

I find myself asking that question a lot lately, about everything. Once again I feel defeated, I feel like I've totally failed.. and all that's left to do is to ask "what if". What if I had never gotten pregnant in the first place? What if Brent had never left? What if I never dropped out of school? What if we never moved to Utah? What if my mom had never reconnected with her ex-prompting me to meet Jay? What if Jay had never moved in? What if I had never gotten pregnant with Noah? What if I had given Noah up for adoption like I originally planned? What if Jay and I actually went through with getting married, would I be miserable, or would I be happy? What if Jay and I never broke up? What if I never met Shaun?

Maybe that seems like a lot of 'what ifs' but for the past few days I can't stop thinking about how different things would be if only ONE of these things had changed. If I didn't get pregnant with Audrey, would I be better or worse off? If I had never dropped out of school, would I of gone to college last fall? If Brent never left, would we be happy?

I laid in bed last night, waiting for sleep to come; Waiting for my brain to shut off, for those 'what if' thoughts to calm down so that I could relax. It took my over 6 hours to finally fall asleep. I realized shortly before I finally shut my eyes, that the best that I can do is let it go. Not because I want to, because believe me I don't. I WANT to be angry at everything that has happened. I want to be right about all of it. In the end, it doesn't really matter, does it? I don't know what I keep waiting for- An apology from Brent saying he was sorry for leaving us? A realization from Jay saying that he was wrong? A choice from Shaun saying that 'I win'. As nice as those apologizes, choices, and realizations would be, it's not realistic to think any of it will ever happen. It suddenly hit me that the only one that cares- is me. The only one who can change this- is me. The only person I can rely on- is me.

It's all about the ebb and the flow. I think sometimes being sad like this is okay- because I start to realize things I was too blind to see before. As always, getting my life back on the UP&UP.

a few things I can't get out of my head lately:
said I ain't gonna change.
I got a gypsy soul to blame and
I was born for leaving.
you're a lover, I'm a runner.
I love you, but I leave you.
...I don't want you, but I need you.
I want to see you again.
but I'm stuck in colder weather.
tomorrow would be better,
can I call you then?
when I close my eyes I see you.
no matter where I am.
I still smell your cologne through the wind..

Don't get me started on what it means to be alive. You're lying to yourself and yet still you act surprised, cause you're scared. Can't come to terms with what you are. The wolves in sheep's clothing will only lead you so far.

V is for Valentines Day.

2011-02-17T21:44:00.000-07:00

Only 3 days late.

<3 lalalalove you my handsome BF.

U is for Us :)

2011-02-16T13:49:00.000-07:00

I love us. :)

All from their birthday party :) haha

the flowers he got me for v-day. + gigantic teddy bear!

and the cute things you post on my page :)

"HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY love!!!! you are so beautiful in every way. I love you with all my heart and your wonderful babies as well. I am so deeply head over heels in love with you, your smile makes me smile :) holding you fills my heart with love, never been so happy as i am with you. you mean everything to me."

Even though things are crazy with you sometimes, and the situation we are in isn't exactly the best- I'll tell you one thing, its always better when we're together. <3 loveyou.

T is for Time

2011-02-10T20:13:00.002-07:00

I can't get this poem out of my head today- dearly beloved
"...the children ask, does it ever go away ? they're asking about heartache and you know better than to lie so you answer truthfully and you say, no, it doesn't, it doesn't go away."

I really hate the saying, 'time heals all wounds'- it doesn't. As time goes on, and life keeps going, the pain slowly fades into the distance but it is never gone. Does a heart break ever get easier to deal with? Brent was the first person to ever break my heart and I still feel that pain; Even after everything he has done I will get butterflies if I talk to him on the phone, look at his pictures, think too much about him. It doesn't mean I want him back- all those feelings just get pushed to the surface... and I have to deal. I forgave him a long time ago, but I will never be 100% over what happened. The edges aren't as raw anymore, but the hole never really did quite close.

Last night I was thinking to myself "I will never know what it's like to be this happy again"- This morning my BF broke up with me. Oh the irony. I turned my phone off so that he couldn't contact me- while still secretly hoping that he would text me his usual apologies. They never came and so I guess this is it. I knew this day would come, so it's not a huge surprise, but it still hurts unbelievable amounts. The last 6 months I have questioned myself wondering why I would fall in love with a person I knew would never truly be mine. Honestly- I still couldn't answer you because I don't know the answer myself. He made me happy- he made me feel pretty and special and like someone cared again. My head is screaming to write out 'but once again I am never good enough' but I am trying desperately to not bring myself back to that place. I am good enough- he was just too blind to see it. He knew from the beginning all I had to offer him was my heart and if that's not enough- it will be for someone else... eventually. It's very clear that I have flaws and I'm still learning, growing, being tested by the trials of life. I never said I was perfect, I never will be. All I know is that I am doing the best I can- the best I know how. The only thing left to do is hold together and hold strong.. I need to get my life back on the UP&UP. It's time to go back to the root of things- my kids. The only people in my life that will never, ever let me down.

Pattern

2011-02-01T09:28:00.001-07:00

Anyone else noticing a pattern in my blogging habits? I post like crazy in the summer months- and during the winter that nearly slows to a complete stop. Maybe it's because this time a year is so busy with Christmas and birthdays, or maybe it's because I get some sort of seasonal depression- probably both. My drive isn't as strong as it used to be to do ANYTHING- much less blog. This has definitely been put on the back burner! I'm trying! However, These days I have to force myself to blog- so I can look back years from now and remember things I would of otherwise forgotten. Blogging is important to me, so I'll keep going even when I'm not feeling it anymore. It's becoming more and more difficult to come up with words for the ABC challenge.

Maybe it's time to take a break from the challenge so my brain doesn't have to think so hard :P haha.
For now- a few quick updates.
-Jay has been served, and court is set for 1 month from today[March 1st].
-Noah and I both went down last week for our DNA testing which will take around 6/8 weeks.
-The child support case with Brent was filed November 1st... Utah was required to wait 6 months before calling on it.. which would be today. Next up- DNA testing. Way, way exciting stuff :/

On the bright side- We are celebrating their birthday this weekend :) I couldn't be happier. Can't believe how grown up my little ones are! :) I'll be so very happy when that is over! Things have been BEYOND crazy lately.. I'm running around like a chicken with my head cut off trying to get their party together and fix things on my truck.

<3

Happy Birthday :)

2011-01-31T18:37:00.002-07:00

Happy Birthday to my beautiful little girl, Audrey Jane.
I can't believe it's been 3 years already!
I'm totally looking forward to many, many more.. seeing the person you grow into. Spending days with you- just like today- at the salon, getting our nails done and talking about our day :)
Things aren't always easy with you- you're definitely the hardest challenge I have ever taken on.. so beyond worth it. Words could never describe how much I love you. Tears are rolling down my face as I think about how happy you make me- and how lucky I am to be your mommy.

I love the way- you smile at me as soon as I walk into the door and say "mama's home!"
the way- you show me your belly and gasp! because you're hungry
the way- you always protect Noah, even when he annoys you. You're a better big sister than I ever imagined.
I love the way you will randomly just come up and give me a hug and tell me we are best friends- I hope you do that forever.
I love the way you learn a new word and then use it over and over and over again because it's fun[you're currently stuck on 'delicious!']
the way- you always want everyone together, happy, and holding hands.
I love you to pieces. You truly are a gift.

S is for Stay Strong

2011-01-23T17:32:00.001-07:00

Don't feel much like blogging these days- really busy trying to stay on top of things. Been studying almost every day, my mountain of clothes is finally getting smaller! and currently looking into colleges too... not to mention still dealing with the custody/child support battle with Jay.[Court is set for March 1st- and Noah and I have DNA testing scheduled for the 27th of this month]

This is what is getting me through the days lately:
Follow your honest convictions, and stay strong.
-William Thackeray
&&&
There is an inner beauty about a woman who believes in herself, who knows she is capable of anything that she puts her mind to. There is a beauty in the strength and determination of a woman who follows her own path, who isn't thrown off by obstacles along the way. There is a beauty about a woman whose confidence comes from experiences; who knows she can fall, pick herself up, and move on.

and a repost:
Invisible Mother

<3

R is for Resolution.

2011-01-19T13:00:00.000-07:00

Only 19 days late :) It's been a crazy 19 days though.

Although year after year I have the same resolutions- this time it's different. The only resolution I have this year is to follow through. I'm 100% sure my life would be a zillionnnnnnnn times better if I followed through with everything. I've been doing pretty good and I am happy :)

Onto my next topic- Kidnap :)
January 1st I allowed Jay to take my son to Colorado for 1 week. The thursday after I asked Jay when he would be bringing Noah back. It was then that he told me he wasn't bringing him back- He was filing for full custody because I am apparently 'abusive'. I've never cried so hard or so much in my life. I contacted a lawyer the next day[friday] and my sweet boyfriend paid him in full on Monday. I am filing for sole physical and legal custody with supervised visitation. Last friday, the 14th the papers were filed through the courts so now we are waiting for Jay to be served and then a court date. However, Saturday after the papers were filed I got a call from Jay saying I can come pick up Noah as long as I made him a video saying he could have all the visition he was asking for[1 week every month, 3 weeks in the summer, every other holiday and he asked that I split visitation]. When I arrived he wouldn't even let me hold my son until I made the video and even brought his mom along. My mom said to her 'He looks so big after only 2 weeks!' his mom made the snide comment of 'Yeah, imagine 2 months' .... -insert eye roll here- because I had offered Jay several times to come up and see Noah.. he kept telling me he couldn't afford it. Well, that's not my problem but I DID offer. The most important thing is that I have my son back home and safe with me. I never cry, and NEVER infront of people.. but as soon as I held my son I couldn't hold it in anymore and just burst into tears. Love that little man :) Jay weaned him of the paci, I am pretty upset :( I wasn't ready for that, and even if it IS for the best.. I should of been consulted first. So, now we're back into our custody battle. This should be way fun. Maybe I'll be nice and just let Jay have standard out-of-state visitation[1 weekend a month, up to 6 weeks in the summer, every other holiday, and because he was the move-away parent I'm requesting he provides all transportation] SO.. we will see how this goes :) and I will keep you all updated.

Q is for Quotes

2010-12-20T19:51:00.002-07:00

Ever read or hear something that you totally feel changes your life forever? Or could at least have the potential too? That's how I feel about a particular quote from one of my favorite movies: The Curious Case of Benjamin Button. That movie is truly outstanding, even if it is not quite realistic.

“For what it’s worth: it’s never too late or, in my case, too early to be whoever you want to be. There’s no time limit, stop whenever you want. You can change or stay the same, there are no rules to this thing. We can make the best or the worst of it. I hope you make the best of it. And I hope you see things that startle you. I hope you feel things you never felt before. I hope you meet people with a different point of view. I hope you live a life you’re proud of. If you find that you’re not, I hope you have the strength to start all over again.”
-The Curious Case of Benjamin Button
[That is definitely my favorite but here are a few others I really love!]

"You can spend minutes, hours, days, weeks, or even months over-analyzing a situation; trying to put the pieces together, justifying what could've, would've happened. Or you can just leave the pieces on the floor and move the fuck on." - Tupac Shakur

The good you do for others will often be forgot, do good anyway. Mother Teresa

Nature's first green is gold
Her hardest hue to hold.
Her early leaf's a flower;
But only so an hour.
Then leaf subsides to leaf.
So Eden sank to grief,
So dawn goes down to day.
Nothing gold can stay.
-Robert Frost

<3

P is for Party!

2010-12-19T12:22:00.000-07:00

A Birthday Party! :)

I'm currently planning a birthday party for my little ones. We're celebrating their birthdays together.. because it's easier that way! My little man will be turning 1 and my big girl will be turning 3! Their birthdays are only 15 days apart so I decided to meet somewhere in the middle, and Feb 5th was perfect.

We're doing it at Chuck E. Cheese[which happens to be $13 dollars a person! Eep!] and it will be Toy Story themed. Audrey is beside herself with excitement! And truthfully, I am too! I love planning birthday parties!

I will be buying the party supplies and sending out invitations at the end of the month :)

look!

eep! I can't wait :)

I've already been buying their birthday presents too haha and Christmas hasn't even come yet!

O is for Oops!

2010-12-18T22:17:00.000-07:00

My daughter has been [with the exception of night times] perfectly potty trained since June of this year. It was easy, I ran out of diapers and she basically potty trained herself. I was shocked at how easy it was, but she just wanted to be a big girl and that was her ticket!

Past week or so, she's have several accidents. One day she didn't even make it to the potty a single time. Today, she even pooped in the bath tub. Lemme tell you.. She has NEVER EVER pooped in the bath, even as an infant.

After a whole day with nothing but accidents I just put a diaper back on her. She was hysterical screaming at me that she wasn't a baby, but I insisted that if she wasn't going to use the potty that she was once again a baby who needed to wear a diaper. She literally scream/cried for half an hour. After she calmed down a bit, we had a talk about being a big girl and what that meant to me. I agreed to put her in a pull-up. It was nearly bed time but she did make it to the potty 1 time before bed so I thought things were fixed!

The next day, same thing.
:(
I can't decide if she's doing this for attention, or there really is a problem. She doesn't seem to be having any pain when she pees.. but I may take her to the pedi anyway to check for infection. I just hope we figure this out soon. Buying diapers for 1 is more than enough for me!

N is for Night Time

2010-12-14T12:53:00.000-07:00

Bed time around here is a nightmare, every single night. Noah seems to go to sleep perfectly, Audrey on the other hand is out of control. I've tried many different things to try and get her to sleep easier and faster, If only they had specially made nyquil for toddlers, then I'm sure this would be easier! The one thing that has seemed to help is to put my kids on a more consistent night time routine. Our days are pretty much scheduled out and we try to stay on that schedule.. but things happens and schedules change!

This is what we do for night times:
5:00- I start making dinner
6:00- We eat
7:30- Bath time, brush teeth, brush hair
8:00- Snack, and 30 minutes of tv.
8:30- Read a book, then put them both down.

This is the ONLY thing that helps.. Some people will tell you no TV before bed time because it's stimulating.. but truthfully it actually calms my little ones down. Some nights are easier then others, Isn't that how every thing works though? Heh. If we do a lot of activities during the day, she's often more tired and she's much easier to put down. I also used to let Audrey cry it out until she fell asleep but realized this was actually taking longer. If you can't tell.. she isn't exactly very good at self-soothing. She's a very high needs toddler! These days, instead of letting her cry, I will cuddle and sing to her[If I stop singing to her thinking she is asleep, she opens her eyes and says 'mama! sing to me!' haha] This takes about 10-20 minutes then she is out. The trick is just getting her to calm down! She still sneaks into my bed every night, but this is definitely a step in the right direction!

M is for Memories

2010-12-08T14:59:00.001-07:00

These we're the good ole' days ;) You know, before kids ever existed? Now I'm just counting down till I'm 35 and can go back to having fun :D I kid, I kid.. but I do miss the freedom and having no responsibilities! Here are some pictures from way back when!

haha that is enough for now :D Enjoy

L is for Losing It

2010-12-07T21:28:00.000-07:00

I'm literally at my wits end with my daughter. She is extremely bossy, misbehaves nearly 24/7, fights sleep like it's her job, refuses to pick up after herself, is constantly hitting/smacking/hurting other people, and seems to only be happy when she's doing exactly the opposite of what I want her to do.

I feel so lost, why are my children so completely different? My son is happy, smiling, and hardly ever cries.. He is seriously the most chill kid I've ever had the pleasure to encounter. My daughter? She's always sad, upset, and crying. I can't seem to do anything to make her happy. Or if I can find something it's only momentary, and then we're back right where we started from.

I used to count to three then place her in the corner, but this now has no effect on her. I don't believe in spankings so that is out of the question. For a few days I would say "Do this so Santa will bring you presents" but alas, she has grown tired of this too. Her only real enjoyment is being in trouble. I just want to cuddle her all better, make her happy again.

Maybe she's bored? Lord knows I go stir crazy from being in the house all day. I've been thinking about putting her in an activity at The Little Gym. Maybe then she'd be happier? Maybe she just gets seasonal depression like I do? Is that even possible in an almost 3 year old? haha.

Whatever it is, I want it fixed. I want my child to be happy and to WANT to do what she is told. I'm not looking for suggestions on forms of punishment.. I'm rather looking for different ways to talk to her or different things I can try that will convince her to be good. If you have any ideas I am all ears!

K is for Kids

2010-12-04T21:37:00.001-07:00

Yup. Most original blog title ever for the letter K. You guys didn't guess this one, right? I tried all week to think of something that begins with the letter K and pertains to my life. Kids is the only thing I can come up with ;) haha.

Don't feel much like writing and I believe all of you know how much I love my little ones so I'll share some pictures instead :)

pahaha he's so fat :D

^ Audrey took this one :) So talented!

Please excuse my fat face.. but awe look how cute Audrey is :D

and our cute video of my little ones :D

J is for Joy.

2010-12-03T00:06:00.000-07:00

I think it's coming back again, and hopefully to stay. I go through stages like this though; Where I think I am okay, and then realize I definitely am not okay. Maybe this is what is called 'seasonal depression'.. I certainly was not this depressed a few months back.. and not much has changed since then. I really just miss the free, easy-going spirit of summer. Luckily, I know it will be back, and hopefully soon.

I miss Texas more than usual lately. I'm dying to visit. Yep, literally dying here! I miss my friends, I miss my aunt, I even miss my dad. [If any of you know my relationship with my dad, you'll know this is strange] Texas just seems so much more peaceful than Utah. I love never having to deal with snow, even if it rains constantly in Texas.. I'll take rain over snow any day. Maybe I'm imaging it, but the people seem nicer there too, much more diverse.

Maybe I'm feeling happier because I've been getting more time to myself. My sisters have been watching my little ones so I can see friends, or go Christmas shopping. As much as I am enjoying this new found time to myself, I know they are really missing me... thus leaving me feeling really torn. There has to be a balance here somewhere, right?

Tonight I went with Shaun to get my little ones the last of their Christmas presents. :) I really do have a sweet boyfriend.. he's really good to me and my little ones. Every time I'm with him I can feel myself becoming happier and happier like I once was. Maybe this isn't so good, I shouldn't throw my whole being into another relationship knowing that it may fail... Maybe this is why I've been more distant than usual? Maybe this is why I've been spending more time with my friends vs. him? Maybe.

Eep, sorry this is such a random post. Lots of thoughts just running wild in my mind. The point is, I'm finding happiness again, and I hope it stays this time. I hope I can find reasons for it to stay this time.

I is for Imbecile

2010-11-26T17:49:00.003-07:00

That's all you are. Back and forth, back and forth, every day. Every. Single. Day. I can't keep up. One day you're attempting to be civil, the next you're the farthest thing from it.

How dare you tell me I'm abusive when I do everything and you do close to nothing. I pay for everything, you pay nothing. I'm up every night with our son, while you get to sleep in. I have to pay someone every time I need a break, you get to go out whenever you please. And yet, some how I am selfish? Really, how dare you.

The notion that I would leave my kids in the care of someone who didn't even have a decent place for them to stay, is completely absurd. Oh, you're going to stay with a friend? The one that played a huge part in why we broke up the first time because of his actions, and your willingness to go along with these things. That friend? I told you not to drive out here, you told me to make my mind up when you got here. Fine.. drive all the way out here.. waste your gas.. put more miles on your tires.. go ahead... Oh and while we're at it.. Why don't you bring that friend of yours that I am so fond of? Great. The friend who got on the phone saying 'Let Jay take the kids.. don't you need some time alone. Don't you need to party? I like to party'... impressive.. incredibly convincing.

You arrived at 5:30.. but decided that seeing your friends and getting your drink on, was far more important then seeing your kids. The ones you have missed 'so badly' we're not important enough for you to see the night that you got here? I don't know about you.. but I'm feeling the love. My daughter was heart broken, all day she waited for you to come. The got excited every time she thought she heard someone coming up the stairs, or knocking on the door... and you let her down. I warned you that you had 30 minutes to come, or you wouldn't be seeing them at all. I had already made up my mind that you weren't taking them for the holiday, but I would allow you to see them if you wanted.. but again.. they weren't that important.

The next morning you called, called, and called some more hoping that I would change my mind. You attempted to use the fact that I am tired beyond definition, and NEED to study, as some kind of tactic to let you take them. How dare you try to use that against me- I KNOW how tired I am. I KNOW that I need to study. However, none of those things are worth putting my children at risk. How dare you even ask me to allow them to stay in such a hostile environment!

I offered to let you see them, as long as I was around. That wasn't worth it either, you wanted absolutely nothing to do with me. You didn't even attempt to get along with me for our little ones. You convinced yourself I just wanted to spend time with you, when really I just wanted to make sure my kids were safe. Oh, I miss you? No. I don't miss you at all; It just makes me sad that we no longer have a family, that you couldn't be what I or we needed, that you wouldn't.. or couldn't be our provider. It makes me sad when my daughter cries because she is missing you, and you won't answer the phone. It makes me sad that Audrey tells me she wants mommy and daddy back together. Things are too far beyond repair, and I'm sad.. we're sad... but I don't miss you.

You ended up leaving empty handed. I told you not to come, I warned you. Our kids need stability, not some half-ass dad. They're fragile little beings, it's our job to comfort, teach, nurture, love them. I can't trust you to do most of those things.. but go ahead take me to court. You'll get less time than I was giving you to begin with.

I used to think you were a good dad. I would tell everyone that exact thought- You're a good dad, we just aren't good together. I no longer believe you to be a good dad.. because you put your friends up on a pedestal... way higher then you value your own children. Granted, Audrey isn't your biological child but you took on that role when you decided to be with me. You are the only dad she has ever known, and you ARE Noah's biological father.. so act like it.

2.22.08

2010-11-21T21:55:00.005-07:00

I have made a list of all the good and bad we have through and you know what? The bad outnumbered the good 27 to 1. That was only in 8 minutes. I had not learned my lesson until just now. I will not stick around for someone who can not respect me, when he claims to love me. I will not be there when you throw things at me and call me constant names just because you are angry and whatever other excuses. I have been foolish to think you were ever capable of ever loving anybody but yourself. It just tears my heart apart, even more so, that you would do this to your own. Especially, after your father did it to you. You are just the same as he. No better, probably worse. I have wasted far too much time and too many tears on a deadbeat like you. Do not even try getting to me later with promises of change. Everybody knows it is just another ploy. I was foolish to think that after all we had already been through, that there was a window of happiness or sanity. You provide neither. You never will. I hope the next girl you fuck over does not throw her life away in hopes of settling down with you... and you obviously do not need anymore kids if you can not take care of the ones you already have. I should have been thinking with my head rather than my heart. What can you do now? The only good thing that came out of this is that I grew up a lot faster that I would have without you. I have an amazing daughter who has a real shot and I no longer will believe a man who says he loves me. He has to love Audrey first. Otherwise, it just is not worth it. It will not be hard to eventually find an amazing partner who will adore me and be there for us until death. It will not be hard finding one who can provide a happy, stable home. It will take time.

I feel good for cutting away, finally. However, I feel shitty because rejection always hurts. It may take time to get over the fact that I am all Audrey has and vise versa. I am a real living, breathing, and loving woman. I would give anything for my daughter and anyone else I hold dear. It is a shame that you never really got close enough to see that. it is a shame that you will only judge me on your bent perception and how I reacted under the pressure you dealt me.

All that is left is to pick up the pieces, hold together and hold strong, and get my life back on the UP&UP.

H is for Happy Holidays :)

2010-11-21T12:43:00.002-07:00

Got my kids pictures taken yesterday at Photoworks in Orem. They're sick, and I was wiping noses the whole time. The pictures are cute, but no amount of bribery could get Audrey to take a picture without Noah. Oh well :(

Here they are!

And our Christmas Card :)

G is for Gratitude

2010-11-20T20:51:00.002-07:00

Silent gratitude isn't much use to anyone. ~G.B. Stern

I can't express how thankful I am for so many things, but I sure am going to try :)

& I'm sorry if I don't say 'Thank You' enough, but I promise, I am grateful.

Grateful that I have an AWESOME mom who been there for me through everything, who loves and supports me and my children unconditionally. I love you to death, I couldn't ask for a greater mom!

Grateful that I have the most amazing daughter who hugs me when I'm sad, who is AMAZING big sister... I can't believe how protective you are over your brother. You mean everything to me :)

Grateful that I also have the most amazing son who came as a surprise but I couldn't ask for a greater miracle.. love you mamas boy :)

Grateful that I have two sisters who[with some convincing.. which may or may not be bribery] babysit my kiddos so I can get things done or when I just need a break, who love my kids even when they're little snots.

Grateful that I have some amazing friends who always make sure that I am okay and would go out of their way for me. I love you guys :)

Grateful that I have a boyfriend who appreciates me, does nice things & goes out of his way for me, gets up with Noah at night.. and it doesn't hurt that you're ridiculously handsome :) I love you

Grateful that Torey, the lady I baby sit for, is so unbelievably understanding of me and my situation even though some days I can't even get out of bed[and feel terrible] You've been awesome.

Defeated

2010-11-14T22:52:00.000-07:00

I haven't felt much like blogging lately, I'm kind of in a funk. Every time I sit down to blog, words just aren't coming and I get easily distracted. I feel like I'm breaking down, like all this baggage I carry around is finally weighing on me. I feel defeated, like I can't make it anymore. Saying that and feeling this way, makes me feel absolutely disgusting because I know I'm better then this. Unfortunately, knowing this doesn't make these feelings go away. I try to tell myself that.. hey look my mom did it with 3. If she can do it, I can do it? Right? I try to tell myself.. hey look where I was a year ago and notice I've come so far. Still, this feeling lingers. Always right there in the back of my mind waiting for a moment of weakness so it can attack. One second, I think I'm fine and the next I'm damn near puking from all the stress. It's stupid to say I wish things were easier, because SAYING.. doesn't get anything done, DOING gets things done. And yet, here I am, saying I wish things were easier. Here's to hoping, right? I'm stronger than this, right? I can defeat this dark cloud, can't I? Maybe with time, possibly even therapy. I'm just really, really lost.

Today doesn't really help. I'm going through caffeine with drawls, and Noah has turned into a completely different child since coming home from his dads. He isn't happy unless I'm holding him, he even screams if I leave the room and can no longer self-soothe.. which means I am now rocking him to sleep every night. He's probably just as confused as I am and not ready to be away from me for that long. On one hand, it's nice to feel needed, on the other.. it's frustrating that he has regressed so much.

Thankfully, I have some really awesome friends who are trying to pull me out of this funk. I love that you continually ask if I am doing okay, and tell me things to attempt to put a smile on my face. Push me, convince me that I am strong and I will make it.. that I am even an inspiration to them in their own lives. I can't thank them enough, the things they've said and done mean more then they will ever know. I asked Jay to take the kids for a couple weeks so I can have some time to re-group. Instead, Jay offered to take full custody, haha, what a joke! My kids are the only thing that is keeping me going at the moment.. Don't you think taking them away would be.. counter productive? Then he says 'If you need someone to talk to, I'm here". Because I can trust you, right? You wouldn't use this against me, right?

"everything changes, everything. Nothing stays the same, nothings lasts forever. there's no use fighting it, we have to accept it." -river boy

Happy Halloween :)

2010-11-01T08:01:00.000-06:00

We interrupt this [abc challenge] to bring you pictures from Halloween :) Enjoy!

We weren't able to go trick-or-treating this year :( Here in Mormon-land they celebrate on Saturday when Halloween happens to fall on a Sunday. However, Saturday was wet, rainy, and cold. Candy[that my kids won't even eat] isn't worth getting sick over. We spent some time at the mall and got a few pictures in :) AJ rode the train and carosel and after got her nails painted. She's such a princess :)

F is for Flannel

2010-10-31T18:43:00.000-06:00

I'm going through a flannel shirt phase. They're pretty 'trendy' now but I can see why! They're so comfy and they keep you nice and warm in this cold october weather. I'm loving it :D

E is for Encouragement

2010-10-28T15:19:00.000-06:00

"Nine tenths of education is encouragement.”

Anatole France

Noah is learning how to crawl! He can pull himself on all fours and kind of wiggle back and forth. He can definitely army crawl though. When he sees something he wants he's going to get it! I don't remember Audrey ever going through this stage, but when she started to walk we would bribe her with grape soda. *slaps hand* hah that's to terrible of me but it worked! Bribery worked with Aj, it has to work with N right? haha and so it did! Noah will crawl for anything arts & crafts. It's too cute :D

This quote also applies to things I've been learning with parenting. I've realized you get so much more done by just ENCOURAGING the child to do what they need to do vs. trying to force them. Audrey WILL NOT clean unless we start singing, clapping, jumping around. This totally works!

and picture time :)
:D

D is for Driving

2010-10-19T12:22:00.000-06:00

Yay :D I finally feel like I'm getting somewhere! I was able to save the 300 dollars for my driving class. I was required to hold my learned permit for 6 months, and those 6 months ended in September. I figured since it was already past my 6 months holding time, I should just finish the school as fast as possible. I studied for hours and hours! I had to finish a book with 9 lessons.. each with about 40-50 questions each that required mainly word answers. It seemed to take forever but I finished the class in 2 weeks!

I loved my driving instructor too. I'm glad I took the class even though it was so ridiculously expensive. I learned things I wouldn't of known other wise. And my nice boyfriend paid the 40 dollars to take the drive test and the 30 dollars to get my license :D Thank you much boyfriend :D

It feels nice to finally be a licensed driver. ANDDD my boyfriend even lets my use his car.. 24/7 :) haha

<3

C is for Change

2010-10-11T12:05:00.001-06:00

This used to be a post about Christmas, but I've decided to blog about CHANGE instead.
This is also my 100th post :)

I'm going though lots of changes recently. I'm struggling to find balance with everything. My family, watching other kids, studying, a new relationship. It's been so insanely crazy and I'm still trying to figure things out.

Jay left Sunday night back to Colorado. We finally were able to work out a custody agreement and I'm trying my best to be civil with him but I'm still so angry that this is how things ended. I don't want to use the kids against him in any way and unfortunately it's come to that sometimes. That's pretty embarrassing. A break from each other is probably best right now. Towards the end we couldn't even be in the same room with out fighting. Even though it's hard doing the single mom thing, I'm happy he's gone. Maybe happy isn't the word. Pro's and Con's... I still feel kind of numb. Just like everything else, I'm sure this will hit me like a ton of bricks soon.

The hardest part of this balance problem is Shaun. I've been seeing him for almost 2 months but I can't decide what's a good or normal amount to see him and see my kids too? It's extremely frustrating sometimes. He has 2 kids of his own so this definitely has not been easy. Occasionally, I think about ending it and just focusing on what's going on in my life right now but I'm still pretty confused about the whole thing. I never was decisive, was I? Maybe this is more of a question of if it's worth it? I'm not sure.

In other news, I'm back to only watching Cheyanne during the week and it's been really nice. I get to spend more time with her and my kids. This way, I'm also able to take Shy-Shy with me everywhere I go, which makes it to where I don't feel "trapped". I should probably start watching more kids again but right now I'm taking things one day at a time. I think I'll keep things this way for about a month or so and then see where I'm at. I love it just being Cheyanne though! Especially now that she's getting old enough to understand and play with Audrey. It's been way fun :)

I did finish my driving school in 2 weeks :) Now all that studying is over and I'm going back to studying for my GED. I may just schedule a test to essentially light a fire under my ass. Then I may feel like studying more & harder. I think I could pass it now but I don't want to take the test if I'm not 100% confident that I could pass it now. I'll definitely have this done by the end of the year, and next year I plan on starting college to become an RN.

Lots of changes going on in my life. Trying to find balance and accept the change that is happening as a positive and not a negative. Things will be okay :> If it's not okay it's not the end!
As always.. getting my life back on the UP&UP

‎"Ever wonder how long it takes to change your life? What measure of time is enough to be life-altering? Is it four years? - like high school? An eight week walking tour? Can your life change in a month? A week? A single day? We're always in a hurry to grow up, to go places, to get ahead. But when your young - one hour, can change everything.."

B is for Brent

2010-10-06T14:23:00.001-06:00

Ever heard the saying

If you love something

set it free

If it was meant to be it'll come back to you.

I thought that for a really long time. I thought letting him go would lead him back to me but that isn't what happened. He never came back. I've finally accepted that this is the way it was meant to be but it doesn't change the fact that Brent was my first love.

What we had was amazing, and I'll always remember how good it was. At the time, you were the best thing that could of ever happened to me and you ended up giving me the greatest gift I could of ever asked for, My daughter. You've changed a lot; You've turned into the person you said you would never.. could never be. It's not what I wanted, but it is what it is. I never thought after so many steps forward in your life you could take such a huge leap back. You were the love of my life, my soul mate. Maybe not anymore, but we're talking about the old Brent. The one who cared about every one, the one who tried to make everyones day brighter, the Brent that loved me just as much as I loved him.

You say you wanted it because I wanted it.. I guess that makes sense but what's done is done. There is no going back. I wish so badly you would be a part of Audrey's life. You've never even met her, you've never even entertained the idea of being her father. Don't you think she deserves that? Isn't that what you would of wanted? To be more for her then your dad was for you?

I know you're scared.

It'll be okay though.

If you never want to be her dad, that's fine. I'll still pray for you and hope that you are okay.. hope that when you DO decide to have kids you treat them better. Hope that one day you will love Audrey.

Love never dies a natural death,it dies because we don't know how to replenish its source. It dies of blindness and errors and betrayals. It dies of illness and wounds; it dies of weariness, of witherings, of tarnishings.

The wound is still open but the edges aren't quite as raw anymore.

A is for Adoption PART 4

2010-10-05T11:44:00.001-06:00

{FEBRUARY 15}

My induction date. I was scheduled to be at Pioneer Hospital at 7:00am. I woke up at 6:50! The doctor called while we we're on our way to the hospital.. and he was completely rude. Oh well! We arrived at the hospital around 7:30 and Dr. Colby immediately broke my water. They started me on pitocin a bit later.

If you want to read more about my birth story click here

I birthed for several hours and I didn't want Kevin and Joelle in the waiting room I felt like that would be a lot of pressure for me. My mom called J when I finally dilated to a 9, and we let her know what she could be present for his birth. She took too long and Noah was already out and all cleaned up when she got there. I only got to hold him for a few minutes before they took him off to the nursery. K&J sat for a while and talked with us. I asked them again what they were going to name the baby, they still had not decided on a name.. so they said. (I later found out when my Aunt went with them to the nursey, they told her they were naming him Benjamin)

They left after about an hour or so and I was taken into the recovery room.

After a few hours they discovered that I was running a fever and needed to be on antibiotics. Which meant I couldn't leave the hospital until I could go 24 hours without a fever, but my little guy was being taken by ambulance to another hospital. This was nothing like the adoption plan I had in mind. I was supposed to spend 48 hours with my little guy loving and hugging on him and saying goodbye.

I cried and cried and didn't know what to do anymore. The last thing I wanted was to bring K&J out here just to leave empty handed. I realized I couldn't do it though, Noah having to be moved to another hospital was kind of the last straw for me. Too many things had gone wrong in the adoption for me to ever think things would be okay. I couldn't live with myself if K&J decided to never talk to me again and I never got a chance to know or love my little boy. The agency also never even came to visit me while I was in the hospital to see where I was at with things.

I felt like I was being lied to constantly by K&J and the agency.. and I just knew this path wasn't right for me.

I'm not going to lie, sometimes it's been hard. Sometimes, I still think adoption was the right path for my family. Right path, wrong family? I'm not sure but I don't regret not giving Noah to K&J. They were definitely not the parents that were meant to raise my son. I get jealous when I read others adoption stories that turned out so perfect. Maybe that's just from the outside looking in though. I guess what I'm saying is... I don't regret keeping him even though things are hard. Audrey has been a fantastic big sister for him and I get to have my little family :) I'm happy and my kids are happy and things are working out!

andddd :D I love my mommy for helping me through everything. Don't know what I'd do without you!

A is for Adoption PART 3

2010-10-03T11:59:00.002-06:00

After spending our weekend together, we started talking via email and occasionally we would talk on the phone. I would spend over an hour writing an email to K&J just to wait days and days for a reply. I didn't expect them to reply right away, as they're very busy in their lives, but it was still incredibly agonizing waiting for an email from them.

I started meeting with the adoption agency's counselor to help deal with everything that was going on. This is when I learned that an open adoption isn't recognized by law. Meaning, once I sign my rights away, the FAMILY can decide to never talk to me again and there is nothing I can do about it. This scared me and I started to reconsider my options. Was adoption really right for me? Right for Audrey or Noah? I wasn't sure.

At the end of November I tried really hard to open up to Kevin & Joelle and I asked something that I was extremely scared to ask. I asked if they would be willing to do a photo shoot after Noah was born. I wanted pictures of my kids together, pictures of just Noah and I, pictures of everyone together. I sent that email on a Friday. I checked my email every 5 minutes to see if they had replied.. nothing.. for days. Finally, that Monday afternoon I got a reply. And this was it "also, we'll have to see about getting the pictures with Audrey. While I know we have to stay in Utah until everything is finalized, we were thinking about heading south because I have a family member that lives down there, and we might stay with him and his family."

Wow. I put my whole heart into an email hoping they would be just as excited as I was over this.. and THAT is the answer I got. I was so heartbroken. This was another major blow in the adoption.. Not wanting to do this was kind of a deal breaker.

In the beginning of December I contacted Denise and decided to disrupt the adoption match. They found out a few days later and sent me what I like to call the "guilt trip email".. It was sadly probably the longest email they had ever sent. It made me cry, made me feel terrible. I didn't know what to do. So I didn't reply, just talked to my mom about things.

Major reasons we decided to stop this adoption:
1. Getting his pictures done was a really big deal for me
2. When Denise came over that day she told me that she had just found out one of them grew up Mormon. Obviously, I didn't want a Mormon family... and they lied.
3. My mom found Joelle's blog. It mentioned lots of things I didn't like.

However, after reading this email and feeling really bad I decided to call them that night and I changed my mind. I wanted to continue our adoption plan. Things we're fine for a while and it did seem like both sides we're trying really hard to make things work. It shouldn't of been this hard, but it was.

A month before Noah was due, we started talking about them coming out a few days before the birth. Spending some time together, getting to know each other better. My family even planned a mini baby shower for them! We bought presents, made a cake, decorated the table. This was meant to be a surprise and when they walked through the door the expression on their faces didn't change. They weren't excited at all.. it was... weird. Not what I expected at all. The whole time this was happening, Joelle kept mentioning that they needed to go to Wal*Mart afterwards. Uh.. Didn't we talk about on email other things we were going to do? Spend time together? We talked them into going to the Gateway mall with us. We got into the parking garage, they parked before us, it took us a while to get every one out of OUR car because I was 9 months pregnant and have a 2 year old. We walked out of the parking garage and didn't see them. My mom walked out to their car and searched the parking garage, again, didn't see them. We eventually got to a place where cell phone reception worked and called them. They were already off shopping, not waiting for us.

Overall, their visit was a very weird experience. Again, nothing like I expected it seemed like.. our first meeting all over again. The next day they were supposed to spend time with us, but I wasn't up to it; far too emotionally drained from the day before to do anything with them. I took Audrey to Chuck E Cheese instead. I thought and thought about what was going on. I wasn't sure what was right for me anymore. Why is it that every time I see them in person I automatically go from being 100% for the adoption to.. 50/50 about things. Ugh.

The next day was my induction date... to be continued.

A is for Adoption PART 2

2010-10-01T05:36:00.003-06:00

A few days of crying and trying to decide ending October 5th. I read Kevin and Joelle's profile one more time and I felt at ease, peace just flooded me and I knew this was the family Noah was meant to be with. I called Denise and informed her of my decision.

My mom and I waited for the phone call telling us that K&J had accepted our offer to become Noahs adoptive parents. We(my mom and I) we're elated when they finally called back that Monday morning to tell us how the phone call went. Everything was awesome and we planned to meet the beginning of November.

They agency asked if I would like to call or email K&J before the big meet, but I declined. I wanted to wait till I could actually see them in person and get a "feel" for what they were like. It was around a month before I actually met them and it was the longest month of my life; Wondering what they were like and if I would change my mind about them when I met them. I was beyond scared but I was SO happy for this family, even though I was so sad for myself.

It was a Friday night in November when I finally met the family. I recognized them instantly because of Kevins tall stature. This was the moment I had been looking forward to for so long.. and I just froze. We went to a pizza place and I couldn't even eat I was so.. nervous. Denise was there but didn't try to guide any type of conversation and that made me so angry. K&J we're very quiet and reserved and didn't seem to care to get to know me at all. This meeting was NOTHING like I expected. They came over the next day and it didn't get much better, we sat on the couch and talked about random things and that was that. Honestly, I was so happy when the whole thing was over. I was so emotionally drained when that weekend ended.

This was the first real flaw in the whole adoption process. This is when I started to get very scared...

A is for Adoption PART 1

2010-09-28T21:50:00.001-06:00

I'm not the type of person who likes to sit around thinking all of the things I should of or could of done.. I don't like to live in regret. Although, if I did live in regret I'm sure there would be a lot of it. I've made many mistakes but I've also learned so much in the process. Tonight, I'm blogging about my almost-adoption. Why it was decided, who K&J are, and why I didn't go through with it. I'll start from the beginning:

I found out I was pregnant with Noah June 20th, 2009. Jay and I were still happily together and he was in the air force. Things we're as close to perfect as we could get. I was SO sure things we're going to work out THIS time. They didn't. Jay went home to Colorado where he ignored me constantly and continued his old life of partying and drinking. I can't even tell you how many times I googled his name just to see if he had died and I didn't know it. I was devastated; This isn't the life I had imagined for our family. My son deserves the best start in life and I didn't feel like I could give it to him. At 17 weeks pregnant I decided on adoption.

I met with Heart & Soul Adoptions sometime in September of 2009. They were exactly what I was looking for; They made all the right moves and said all the rights things to make me feel at ease. Little did I know, this was all an act and I would see their true colors eventually. They were going to pay for all of my medical bills and I would have the open adoption I was planning and hoping for. They promised to find me the perfect family, to have the perfect adoption.

Denise(who worked with the birth moms) brought over 4 portfolios a few weeks after our first meeting. They weren't what I wanted. I wanted a family who already had 1 child.. someone who was active in church, who lived a good lifestyle, in their 30's. This is what I got:
Family 1: TOTAL granolas. Super outdoors-y type who grew their own vegetables and had a compost. Fostered dogs from a local shelter.. You get where I'm going with this! That's nice and all but not the family for me. No thanks.
Family 2: Hate to say it.. but both the potential mother and father we're completely obese and looked like they had some kind of mental handicap. Again, No thanks.

These last two I debated over for a long time.
Family 3: Formally a LDS family, not currently active in any church. Not exactly what I was looking for, but hey, at least they're honest. Right? They had a 2-3 year old little girl who was also adopted. I liked these ones right off the bat. Noah would be in the same family dynamic as he would if I had kept him. He would have a big sister and still get the be the little brother. Perfect, right?
Family 4: Kevin and Joelle. Financially stable, She'd be a stay at home mom, they were very nice looking and even shared the story of how they met. She had gone through rounds of IVF and even had a late term pregnancy lost.

Family 3? Family 4? I cried, and read and re-read their profiles night after night. Going back and forth constantly over who would be the better choice for my son. This isn't a game anymore, this is real. I prayed so many nights for God to guide my heart in the direction he wanted it to go.

... to be continued.

ABC's Challenge

2010-09-27T21:20:00.000-06:00

I never finished my Letters to Anonymous challenge but I'm ready to start a new one ;) I'll eventually finish that challenge!

This is the ABC challenge. I will go in order from A-Z and each post will begin with the next letter in the alphabet. I haven't been blogging like I used to because I'm so busy studying and living life as a single mom... but I've got lots of things going through my head and I'm needing an outlet.

Next post?

A is for Adoption

From One Single Mother to Another

2010-09-24T07:49:00.003-06:00

From One Single Mother to Another

Rachael A. Lund

No one knows what it's like to be a single mom
Unless you are one
No one can quite understand
The job that needs to be done.

The years of struggling
Just to pay the bills
Trying to keep going
Even when you're ill.

No one knows what it's like
To put all your wants and desires last
There isn't time for those
With your child growing up so fast.

But God hears your prayers
As you try to do things right
And God sees the tears
That you cry in the night.

He knows how much you love your child
For that's how He loves you
And how you want the best for her
For that's what He wants too.

All that you have done for her
Has not been done in vain
For a child is meant to walk the path
You spent the years to train.

In this life there's many changes
And we often face the unknown
But through the times of difficulty
Are the times that we have grown.

So anytime you feel alone
Lift your eyes to the one who cares
He will never leave you to do it yourself
He's the Father that's always there.

How Much Will That Be? & Do you Take WIC?

2010-09-23T14:09:00.000-06:00

Stupid Similac :<

Abbott Voluntarily Recalls Certain Similac® Brand Powder Infant Formulas That Did Not Meet Its Quality Standards.

"Abbott is initiating a proactive, voluntary recall of certain Similac-brand, powder infant formulas in the U.S., Puerto Rico, Guam and some countries in the Caribbean.

Abbott is recalling these products following an internal quality review, which detected the remote possibility of the presence of a small common beetle in the product produced in one production area in a single manufacturing facility. The United States Food and Drug Adminstration (FDA) has determined that while the formula containing these beetles poses no immediate health risk, there is a possibility that infants who consume formula containing the beetles or their larvae, could experience symptoms of gastrointestinal discomfort and refusal to eat as a result of small insect parts irritating the GI tract. If these symptoms persist for more than a few days, a physician should be consulted. "

I saw this on the news and freaked out! The similac site was so over loaded with people trying to find out if their specific lot # had been recalled that the site had completely shut down. I tried for hours to get on the site and finally got fed up. I went out and bought an organic brand for Noah. I was finally able to get on the similac site this morning only to find out his formula HAS NOT been recalled.

Better safe than sorry ;)

My Big Little Man

2010-09-15T13:26:00.000-06:00

My little man starting sitting up about a month ago. At first, he was really wobbly and would fall over in less than a minute. Noah is much stronger now and can sit up for long periods of time without diving head first into the ground.

I remembed back to when Audrey started sitting up, she pulled herself up only 3 weeks later! I'm not sure Noah is going to learn how to stand up that fast, but I'm not willing to take a chance on this! His bed was still on level 1; the newborn stage. Noah isn't a new born anymore.. my little man is turning into my big guy! We decided to skip level 2 entirely and just skip right onto level 3.

I want to cry! He's so big!

Remember this? awe. :(

Look at my big guy :)

excuse that nasty pillow.. it IS clean just needs a pillow case on it.

Happy Halloween

2010-09-14T23:22:00.001-06:00

How cute are they? haha matching jamies :D

Master Cleanse Take 2 :)

2010-09-13T00:21:00.001-06:00

Although my goal with my last master cleanse was 40 days, I was only able to make it to day 8. I had to break my fast when I was shaky and nearly passed out. The day before I broke my fast, I was only able to get in 4 glasses of the lemonade and you're supposed to take in AT LEAST 6; I think it was dehydration and my body just freaking out from all the changes. This time I'm giving myself a much easier goal. 10 days. :) More than last time but a much easier more obtainable goal. I've kept all the weight off since my last cleanse too so yayy :)

Why am I doing the cleanse?
I get asked this ALL THE TIME. My number 1 reason is because I crave a ton of junk and I want to start craving healthy things. I honestly love healthy food and even plan on going vegetarian in between my cleanses(I'm planning on doing 1 cleanse a month). Since having Noah I've had some intense pains in my back... maybe it's because of the epidural.. maybe it's because of my terrible posture(I really need to see a chiropractor!) or idk what it is from but I notice it becomes way more painful when I'm eating bad foods. I've been to the hospital twice for it and no one can explain it! So I am going to try every thing I can to make it go away because it's extremely painful! yay for being healthy again :D

and p.s.
Jay, Audrey, Noah & My sister will be going vegetarian with me... and that should make things a ton easier.

How Did This Happen?

2010-09-11T08:48:00.003-06:00

How did we go from this to this?

Or
This:

to this:

I miss my babies :(

Where has the time gone? I can remember like it was yesterday giving birth to both of them. Holding my kids for the first time was such an eye-opening experience and I'll never forget it. I had a very easy pregnancy, labor, and birth with Audrey; Everything was completely opposite with Noah but it doesn't matter because the end result is I have my babies and I couldn't be happier :) and I'm learning that every moment is a gift and I shouldn't take it for granted. So what if I have to wake up multiple times a night and for good at 6 am every day. So what if I didn't get to take a shower because there was too much going on. So what :) Noah will be 7 months on Wednesday and I honestly can't even believe it. 7 MONTHS!? What?! Audrey is 2 and a half.. potty trained.. and speaking in full sentences? Wow.. Before I know it they will be 3 and 4.. and 16 and.. it's just really hard to believe.

Love you like crazy :)

On a side note I can not get this poem out of my head!:
Dearly Beloved